Disclaimer: This story contains details of miscarriage which may be upsetting to some.
“I’ve been pregnant eight times, but I still don’t know what it feels like to be pregnant. I know what you’re thinking…how is it even possible? But it’s true. I have no idea what it actually feels like to be pregnant.
I don’t know what it feels like to be so nauseous to the point of needing to throw up. I don’t know what it feels like to have your boobs be so sore you want to rip them off. I don’t know what it feels like to be so exhausted you need to take a nap in the middle of the day. I don’t know what it feels like to be completely averted at the thought of certain foods or smells. I don’t know what any of this feels like.
I’ve never gotten to see my baby’s sweet smiling face on an ultrasound. I’ve never gotten to hear their beautiful heartbeat. I’ve never gotten to feel them kick their little legs inside of me. I’ve never gotten to watch my belly slowly grow to the point of not being able to see my feet. I’ve never got to experience any of it.
My body has never made it far enough into any of my pregnancies for me to know what any of it feels like. Even though I’ve been pregnant eight times, I still have no clue what it actually feels like to experience these typical pregnancy symptoms and reach all of those milestones. Simply because all of my babies left me too soon.
The only way I’ve known I was pregnant each of those times was from a handful of positive home pregnancy tests and multiple HCG blood draws. But never from actually ‘feeling’ like I was pregnant.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely still felt completely connected to each of my babies (and still do) when I had them here with me, symptoms or no symptoms. But it doesn’t mean my heart does not ache for the fact I’ve never been able to feel any of those things that come with being pregnant.
I know one day the time will come when I finally get to know firsthand what it’s like to experience all of it, but until then I can’t help but wonder what it actually feels like to be pregnant.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Mackenzie Eckinger of Ohio and originally appeared here. You can follow her journey on Instagram here and here. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
Read more from Mackenzie here:
‘I’ve been seeing phrases like, ‘At least it happened early’ or ‘One miscarriage doesn’t compare to multiple’ a lot lately.’: Woman battling infertility urges ‘a loss is a loss and they all matter’
I Want To Conceive, But I Don’t Want To Keep Trying
Another Month Has Gone By And We Still Aren’t Pregnant
Read more stories like this:
‘If I paid more attention, ate healthier, and drank less wine, maybe things would have played out differently.’: Mom details miscarriages, infertility journey, ‘I’ll never take my title of mama for granted’
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