‘If I paid more attention, ate healthier, and drank less wine, maybe things would have played out differently.’: Mom details miscarriages, infertility journey, ‘I’ll never take my title of mama for granted’

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Disclaimer: This story mentions miscarriage and may be triggering to some.

“I was crushed, completely heartbroken. I was expecting to be swooning over my baby’s photo from our ultrasound. I was expecting to hear a strong heartbeat coming from a teeny tiny body. I was expecting to start creating a fun announcement to share with the rest of our loved ones. I was expecting my baby to be with me for so much longer. However, in the end, God needed our baby more than we did. We got home and waited for the miscarriage to happen. On Tuesday, March 14, 2017, my husband and I said goodbye to our first baby.

I let God take control and miscarried naturally that evening. It was the most excruciating experience as I felt contractions and literally saw my baby pass. I was exactly ten weeks far along in my pregnancy, to the date. My husband stayed by my side that entire weekend and supported me through the whole process. The entire experience was so much more painful emotionally than physically. My husband and I were offered nothing but humbling support from close family and friends every step of the way, and we are so humbled by it all. I kept my faith knowing that my husband and I would conceive again. Hope kept us going for the day to officially say again, ‘we’re having a baby.’

It had been nine months since my first miscarriage, the wounds took so long to heal, but I healed. They still hurt when I think back, but I got into a much better place. I persevered. I pushed forward, and did not let the experience leave me feeling defeated. I got pregnant again, and was ecstatic. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me after experiencing such loss. However, six weeks later, I experienced bleeding. Another miscarriage in the works. My baby is in heaven now with its brother or sister. That is exactly how it all happened, followed by bed rest for almost the rest of that week due to me getting a fever, and full blown flu. It was awful. I’m glad I got the flu. It made me hurt less emotionally.

Once I got better, it sunk in. I lost another baby, and I had ZERO idea that I was even carrying a child. Do you understand how guilty I felt? I really could not help but to think if I had paid more attention, eaten healthier, exercised more, and drank less wine, that things maybe would have played out differently. How was I going to bounce back from this?

mom at ocean in beautiful rainbow dress
Courtesy of RileyCooper Photography

Flash forward to a few years later, I decided it was finally time to take a pregnancy test. I did a First Response line test first, and there it was. The faintest pink line standing tall next to the control line! I couldn’t believe it, so I whipped out the digital test I had purchased too. Three long minutes later, the words finally appeared: ‘PREGNANT.’ I lost my breath, cried of course, and said a prayer literally thanking God for blessing us with a pregnancy on our third try! I texted my husband and begged him to get to a place where he could FaceTime at work. I was about to burst if I didn’t tell him the news right then and there. We connected, I showed him the test, and the biggest smile I have ever seen came across his face. It made me cry all over again. We sent our love to one another, soaked in the excitement as deep as we could digitally, then hung up.

After hanging up, the worry began to sink in. I tried to shake it, but I just couldn’t. I still had to get dressed and go to work. I quickly pulled myself together, went to work, and counted down the minutes until my doctor’s office was open for me to call. 9 a.m. on the dot I called. They told me to come in for blood work and that a prescription of progesterone would be written for me immediately. I was to start administering that progesterone the same evening. The next few weeks I had to visit the doctors weekly to have blood drawn, to ensure my levels were rising, and the numbers were where they needed to be. Praise God, after every test, the results showed perfect progression! I was faithful, yet fear still would whisper in my ear. At six weeks, the baby had reached the size of a ‘chocolate chip’ according to our pregnancy app. It was the cutest thing, and it was one of the first times that I finally began to feel a teeny connection with our little bean! I absolutely loved the size reference to a chocolate chip, and it is now our baby’s nickname. So cute!

pregnant mom and dad at baseball game with balloons
Courtesy of Trisha Pond

Eight weeks finally rolled around, and it was time for our first ultrasound. The doctor walked in, squeezed the warm goop all over my belly, and began to perform the ultrasound. A teeny, tiny little baby all coiled up showed immediately on the screen. Then we saw it, and the doctor confirmed it. The baby’s heartbeat of 175! AMEN! Such a beautiful sound to hear and one I will never forget. This was our first time ever seeing a heartbeat on an ultrasound. It was the most amazing thing in the world to finally be able to hear. We were printed a picture and were told to keep taking my progesterone and prenatal vitamins. They reminded us to enjoy these moments, and they sent us on our merry way.

Despite seeing a heartbeat and all, I was still in a state of worry. I would pray every time that worry would set in, and still pray immensely everyday. Week ten finally approached, and that is when my anxiety kicked in the most. This was the week we lost baby #1. Never mind the fact I was feeling so queasy, vomiting, beyond fatigued, and breasts so incredibly sore. My doctor said all of these were signs of a strong and healthy baby, and that I should relax as much as possible. I prayed a lot. I probably should have prayed more. I slept a lot too. When I was not at work, I was laying down, trying to figure out what food would go down better just so I could swallow my prenatals. I couldn’t complain much though, because as the doctor said, all of this meant things were progressing with the pregnancy. So I took the sickness and all like a champ. Or, I thought I did. Ask my husband, because I’m pretty positive he would agree with me on this one. Week ten went by. We had more blood work done during this week and a second ultrasound. This ultrasound and testing was early screening for any chromosomal issues with the baby. Praise God again because everything looked perfect with the baby. Doctor even told me with the blood drawn they would also be able to know what sex our baby was! It was actually sinking in that we were having a baby!

Week 11 passed, as did week 12, where we finished announcing to the rest our family and friends the great news that we were expecting a baby! We entered into week 13, the final week before officially entering into the second trimester. Morning sickness subsided, I was no longer on progesterone, and I had a tiny belly with a baby still in it that measured to about the size of a lemon. I was so excited that we had reached this point, and kept positive while we took on each day as our pregnancy progressed. God has blessed me and my husband with a beautiful ‘rainbow baby’, and we are even more blessed to be able to share this journey with our loved ones.

mom, dad, and daughter in fall clothes
Courtesy of Jessica Lynn Photography
mom, dad, and daughter in fall clothes
Courtesy of Jessica Lynn Photography

Having a baby is not easy. I am not talking about when the baby is actually here with you Earth side. Yes, babies are hard to have, 100%. What I am referring to right now though is the actual getting pregnant and staying pregnant part. Some people have this thought it is so easy to do. That to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, and having your baby is like baking a cake. It sadly is not, and there are many people out there that are ignorant to the reality of pregnancy. Hear me out for a minute, please…

Somewhere out there, someone just found out that they are pregnant. Someone just found out that they will have a miscarriage. Someone just had a miscarriage. Someone made it past the ‘safe zone’ in their pregnancy, and still miscarried their baby. Someone carried their baby to full term and had a stillbirth. Someone has been trying to have a baby for a month, a year, two years, three or more years. Someone can’t have a baby at all. Maybe reading this will help you to keep in mind for the future to not ask that just married couple right away, when are you having a baby? Don’t assume a couple who has been married for so many years doesn’t want children. Maybe they have been trying all along and are struggling to conceive or stay pregnant. Be genuinely happy if someone is pregnant unexpectedly, even if it interferes with a plan you had made with them months to years in advance. That person may have prayed for that baby so hard and struggled even harder until finally becoming pregnant. Celebrate with them.

mom, dad, and daughter right after childbirth
Courtesy of Trisha Pond
mom, dad, and baby daughter
Courtesy of Aileen Porter Photography

I have had two miscarriages, which have made me so mindful of other women’s journeys with their own fertility. I ask for you to do the same and always trust in the Lord with His plan for you. I love my babies to no end and am beyond thankful for being blessed with the title of their mama. Miscarrying was never a part of the plan, but the rainbows that came to follow is the joy God had promised in human form. I will never take my title of mama for granted.”

dad and pregnant wife
Courtesy of RileyCooper Photography

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Trisha Pond of Redondo Beach, CA. You can follow her journey on Instagram and her personal blog. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and our Youtube for our best videos,

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