I Birthed A Child Faster Than It Takes My Husband To Poop

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“I have birthed an entire child in the time it takes my husband to poop. I’ve actually done it faster! 

I’ve done it on two separate occasions, and one of those births was a set of twins. Twins! Two babies came out of me faster than he can pass his bodily functions on his bathroom throne.

The first birth I had, I was pushing for 45 minutes so that doesn’t count. Or maybe it does, depending on his specific bathroom session. 

But baby number two was a solid 5 minutes from start to finish. The birth of my twins lasted 7 minutes. Even if you add up both of those quick births, 12 minutes is still faster than what he can accomplish in a bathroom!

Wife who makes fun of her husband for his long bathroom breaks stands arm in arm with him smiling
Courtesy of Molly Schultz

Not only did I accomplish this amazing feat faster than he can, I did it while people WATCHED me do it. This huge achievement was done with bright lights shining right down there to illuminate my lady bits, giving all of those in the room a full display of this event. 

My husband? He gets to hide in a secluded bathroom with no one even coming close to touching any part of his body. 

He dies inside when a child even knocks on the door. Yet we women let a stranger (nurse) hold one of our legs while we do the deed, albeit our bodies can’t control that at that particular moment.

I cannot confirm nor deny poop came out during these birthing events, although I’m pretty sure it did with my second. My husband will take that information he witnessed to his grave. And God Bless his soul for that!

In total fairness, I did have a lot of people cheering me on to push, which my husband doesn’t get each time he poops.

Sign in yard saying, "I've birthed an entire baby in the time it takes my husband to poop"
Courtesy of Molly Schultz

But in all honesty, what are men doing in there anyways? Surfing the internet? Watching YouTube videos? Playing Fortnite? Putting things into their Amazon cart they’ll never actually buy? Nah, that’s just a girl thing.

Could you imagine a woman spending an hour in a bathroom each time she poops? We could get so much online shopping done in that time. We women are approaching this aspect of our life all wrong! 

We are pooping as fast as we can because A) our children are either knocking on the door the whole time or in the bathroom with us, B) our children are being too quiet, which is automatically a red flag that we need to investigate, or C) we’re thinking about all the housework that needs to be done which makes it impossible to sit there and enjoy our online browsing.

Our men are getting a solid 30 minutes of extra free time sitting in the peace and quiet in the bathrooms we spend our ‘free time’ cleaning. First of all, why don’t the kids bother dad while he’s in there? Does anybody ever wonder why it’s just us moms they torment? Why are men the only ones who get to benefit from this extra time? 

They also block out any and all noises going on outside of the thin door that separates them from the rest of us. They are so good at turning on their ‘I don’t care’ mentality once they’re in there. They’re totally getting a hall pass!

We should come together as a womanhood and march on Washington for our right to more bathroom time! We deserve more, ladies! Think about the sanity we could save if we had just a little bit more time to ourselves in the bathroom.

My husband once told me, ‘It takes a while to poop because I’m avoiding hemorrhoids.’ Ohhhhh got it! Your children already gave me those during my pushing escapades. Welcome to the club, babe!”

Husband who tries to avoid getting hemorrhoids stands smiling while holding wife from behind
Courtesy of Molly Schultz

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Molly Schultz of Tried and True Mama. You can follow her on her blog and Instagram. Join the Love What Matters family and subscribe to our newsletter.

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