“Ever since this quarantine started, I’ve been dealing with something I know is not unique to my life. Today I’ve finally found the confidence to share it with you all – and I hope it helps you, or someone you know who is going through this, feel less alone in the world.
You see, my quarantine is much different than others. I don’t have family loving me from a distance. I don’t have a mom to Facetime and check in with, or a parent to tell me, ‘I love you’ during these trying times. The truth is, global pandemic or not, those words would never come out of her mouth. Unless they were meant to manipulate me in some way.
My mother has narcissistic personality disorder. She is a narcissistic abuser. When I discovered there was a term for the kind of emotional and mental abuse she’s thrown my way for the entirety of my life, a weight lifted off my shoulders. I knew it was real – all those feelings of anxiety throughout my childhood, all the tears and low self-esteem – but now I finally had a word to validate my reality. All the years of cutting my beautiful blonde hair to nothingness because I wasn’t ‘allowed to be prettier than her,’ all the years of being told I was ‘a worthless accident’ made sense.
Ever since the world has fallen to shambles with this pandemic, my mother has been taking advantage of it to make me feel especially guilty for not visiting her. Last week, she sent me a text message that read, ‘You’re a disgusting human being for not visiting me,’ even though we’re in the middle of a strict quarantine. Even though we haven’t talked in months since the last text she sent me (out of nowhere) was, ‘I’m happy your husband died. You deserve it.’ At 3 a.m. in the morning. Somehow, it hasn’t registered into her head that we are not ‘friends.’ And now she’s guilting me for not breaking quarantine to visit her, 3 hours away, when we already don’t speak. On top of all the anxiety and fear I’m dealing with.
Despite all she’s done to me, I still sent her a box of canned goods, non-perishables, and toilet paper. I never heard back. I never heard a thank you. The truth is, no matter what she does or says, I will never not be able to care for her. I guess that’s the curse of having the same blood. I will always show her kindness. But I will never, ever let myself believe her despicable words. I’ve fallen into that trap one too many times, and I will not let her destroy my healing journey.
If you are the child of a narcissistic parent, you may find that they are using this pandemic to rain down on you harder than ever. Whatever the matter, please keep your head up. We will get through this. The only thing you should be worried about is the safety and health of you and your loved ones. Don’t let them get you down.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Brittani Cole. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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