We haven’t ‘talked’ in what seems years. We haven’t had that ‘you’re good for my soul’ talk I have always loved. I haven’t been able to tell you about the newest events happening in my life or what my future plans are. I haven’t been able to call you up and just check in with you. I haven’t been able to vent or get your opinion on something going that gives me anxiety. I haven’t been able to text you just to say, ‘Hi.’ We haven’t talked any more about what plans we have in the future as we grow old and watch our children become best friends, like we once were.
How are you? I’m genuinely asking and care what your answer is because I still care about you. I still care you’re trying to find ‘the one.’ I still care you are wanting to go back to school and make a career change. I still care you’re struggling with the decision of whether or not to have more children. I still care you’re hurt from a previous relationship. I still care you’ve just recently lost someone and are hurting. And I miss you.
We may have not been in one another’s lives for that long but know that you’ve made a lasting impact on me. If I didn’t think you did, I wouldn’t be writing this to you, right now.
I know what you’re thinking. ‘Sandi, how many ‘you’s’ are out there?’
And my honest answer is, ‘Too many. Probably four or five of you.’
I get it. That’s a LOT. Especially within the past seven-ish years. Believe me when I say, I’m now realizing the number is high because of me. I blame myself for having so many different ‘yous.’ I’m currently working through some things within myself that are going to eventually give me the answers I need as to how I’ve let this happen.
Okay, let me back up. I don’t completely blame myself. I mean, I probably pushed it you into feeling the way you feel about me. However, no offense, some of this can fall on you. I don’t think I’ve ever been secretive with you about the type of anxiety I deal with. I don’t think I’ve ever hidden why I am the way I am around you or anyone else. I’ve always tried to be open with you in regard to what I need in my life from someone like you. I’ve been honest when I say that I’m high maintenance and expect way too much.
Is that what made you pull away? Were my expectations of what I thought you should be or would be wrong? Because, in my mind, I’ve experienced a harsh ‘friendship breakup’ once before and it really took a toll on me. I have learned to truly value what I have in my life. I am by no means perfect. I have my flaws. I KNOW these things about myself. But I’m confused, however, as to how you could know my faults, have your own issues and then judge me for mine or refuse to compromise with me because the way we deal with them were different?
I have a wall up now. I’m so scared of letting anyone close to me because I refuse to go through that break up again.
This letter isn’t to make you feel bad. I truly apologize if it does. It is definitely not my intention. All of these questions I’m asking are very rhetorical. I’m asking myself these very same questions I’ve probably judged others in my life for. I’m still struggling to find the right ‘you’ to have in my life.
I will not hesitate to let others know about my faults. They should know upfront who I am and ask themselves if they can really handle who I am. I need to know who I can depend on and I need someone who will understand, at my ripe age of 35 years old, I still have flaws and weaknesses. I still get scared and worried I’ll die alone. But I still deserve you.
I ask you these rhetorical questions because I think it helps me reflect on who I want to be. I need to understand what type of ‘you’ that I need in my life, so I can be that same way back. Part of me wants to give up on finding you at all, but I also know that’s not in the best interest of future me. I have a big heart and a caring soul. I genuinely care about the people closest to me and only have their best interests at heart.
We aren’t ‘us’ anymore. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you anymore, though. I do and will forever be grateful for everything you’ve taught me about friendship and about myself.
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Sandi Chambers. Visit her website here. Do you have a similar experience? Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.
Read more from Sandi here:
‘I am a C-section-having, formula-feeding, disposable diaper, working kind of mom. I do not regret it.’: Mom explains her parenting choices, but says, ‘Please respect my parenting views as I’ve always tried to respect your parenting views.’
‘I answered the phone. ‘Anne?’ No, this is her daughter.’ ‘Oh, I didn’t know she had a daughter.’ Did my mom not talk about me? Was I not good enough for her?’: Woman recounts relationship with her mother
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