The noise came from downstairs. Having just tucked my babies in, I knew it wasn’t a rogue child. In an instant, my brain ran through every possibility of what could be lurking below.
Did I lock the door? Did I watch The Ring? Did the babysitter forget something and for some ungodly reason decide to sneak back in and get it?
Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure a recent Criminal Minds episode started just like this.
THUMP SCRAAAAATCH. THUMP.
I was the only barrier between my children’s precious snoozing bodies and whatever horror awaited us downstairs.
‘Maybe Ian is home from work early,’ I thought.
So, I sent him a text.
Me: ‘Hey. Are you dragging a body around downstairs or something?’
Ian: ‘Babe, I’m still at the hospital.’
Well, holy crap. My heart was pounding. It was fight or flight time, now. Got to protect my babies, though.
Fight, it is. I guess.
I grabbed the closest weapons I could find–a glass of water and my bedside Bible. My brain left all reality behind and jumped to the worst-case scenarios.
I was prepared to confront the intruder/demon/Chucky doll.
Halfway down the stairs I wondered, ‘Does one need pants to fight off bad guys?’
I never imagined my Hero Moment taking place in a sleep shirt and granny panties. But I made it this far, and I’m not exactly sneaky. Whatever awaited me at the bottom of the stairs probably knew I was coming.
What I am gonna do with this glass of water? If it’s a gremlin, I guess it could melt. Wait, no. That’s not how the movie went. Oh, sweet cheezits, I didn’t need to imagine it!
The Bible is kind of heavy, so it wasn’t a terrible choice. But without my contacts in, I’d miss whatever target I threw it at. Basically, I am a half-naked, semi-blind woman with The Holy Bible and some lukewarm tap water.
Great plan, MK! Really packing the heat with this Exorcism Starter Kit.
Things weren’t looking good.
I heard the noise again.
My blood ran cold. Well, here goes nothing!
I sucked in my breath and gathered all of my courage and POUNCED around the corner!
The dryer buzzed so loudly my heart almost exploded and thump, thump, freaking scraaaaatch–TENNIS SHOES IN THE DRYER.
If you need me, I’ll be over here with my Bible, a half a glass of water, and a possible arrhythmia.
Cookies. Breathing exercises. Cookies.
I am a hot mess of a human being tonight.
For what it’s worth, though, I did lock the back door. That has to count for something.”
Read more stories from Mary:
‘Nobody commented on my bathing suit. Not only that. My butt. I’m sad now, you see. I was never a bikini kind of girl.’: Woman struggling with body positivity says ‘the world isn’t judging you like you think it is’
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