“My doctors took Dylan out as quickly as possible and focused on saving me. I had lost a 3rd of my blood and needed a hysterectomy. I had a 5 hour surgery after Dylan was whisked away to the NICU.”
‘I woke in such incredible pain. All I wanted to do was see our new baby. It’s hard to explain the first time you see your child this small. The first half hour I cried because I feared so much for his life.’
‘I got the test results. I felt I let my husband down. Like I somehow failed to give him the ‘perfect’ baby. The silence was deafening. I kept thinking, ‘Why me?’ Then I thought, ‘Wait, why NOT me?’
“I had a woman sob in my arms out of sympathy. I remember telling my husband, ‘Do you think we’ll ever laugh or be happy again?’ I figured I had 3 choices. Give up, give in, or give it everything I’ve got. I had a little boy growing inside me who I needed be strong for. I went with option 3.”
‘She’s fat. It’s a good thing she’s nice. Otherwise, no one would pay attention to her.’ They both giggled and left the restroom. I stayed in the stall, frozen. I knew I needed to blend in.’
“I became aware that I was different from the other perfect, small, blonde girls. So, I hid my glasses, grew my hair out, and started dressing better. I realized I needed to walk tall, shift my shoulders back, and smile to draw any and all attention away from the rest of my body.”
‘To get 2 children, I gave up 2. Creating a baby lost all allure. I was on a mission, detached from the actual act. Every app told me when to breathe, when to baby make. I couldn’t feel joy. It was all fear.’
“I found some elaborate way to share the news with my husband. The handcrafted note around our dog’s neck read, ‘Surprise! You’re going to be a father!’ Then a few weeks later, surprise you’re not. By the 3rd pregnancy, there was no special announcement. I didn’t buy a single item, not even a bib. How could I?”
‘WHO DID IT? Is it true?!’ My mom stormed into my room, filled with rage. I looked into her eyes, and lied.’: Rape survivor vows to protect daughter after generations of abuse, ‘She will not know this darkness, it stops now’
“My mom stormed into my room. ‘Is this true?’ Her face was red. Confused, I looked her in the eyes and lied. I really wanted her to know. For her to hug me and tell me it was okay. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized it wasn’t normal.”
‘If I did good at work, I felt like I was failing at home. Fighting between the two worlds broke my heart. I put on a mask of perfection. I felt like I was drowning and couldn’t come up for air.’
“So, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I wish I could tell you everything was fine the next day. That my feelings resolved themselves or my prayers were magically delivered to my doorstep. In fact, it was quite the opposite.”
‘My husband wanted to take his motorcycle. He gave me a kiss and walked out the door. At 11:59 a.m. I got the call that changed my life. The nurse said, ‘Are you his wife? Meet me at the hospital.’
“I didn’t have a car seat for my nephew. I couldn’t leave. I called everyone I knew. My sister came home and said, ‘You need to go NOW.’ When I arrived, I saw a security guard outside the front doors of the ER. I walked up. My head was spinning.”
‘One random afternoon, I got a text from my husband. It’s bad. I thought, ‘Will I be a widow?’ I should’ve been at home breastfeeding. Instead, I was meeting with geneticists.’
“I couldn’t leave the kids alone with him. He couldn’t drive. No pick-ups, no drop-offs. Resentment built between us. We were told our children had a 50% chance of getting it too. All we could do was wait, and watch, and worry. It was too much to comprehend.”
‘I need to talk to you. Please.’ My best friend sat me down. I knew she did something really wrong. ‘Promise you won’t hate me.’: Woman goes through ‘friendship breakup’ after cheating scandal, urges ‘love is always stronger’
“My heart dropped. All I could muster was, ‘What?’ She tried to hold my hands, but I pulled away. ‘We can’t choose who we love!’ It was surreal to take in. I pictured her in my future. Now I can only tear up thinking about it.”
‘My perfect baby girl was laying on my bare chest. I spoke lies to myself. ‘I’m fine.’ Everyone told me this was ‘part of being a new mom’ and ‘just a lack of sleep.’ This was not a phase.’
“Everything was so perfect. The possibility of anything being ‘wrong’ was just too much of a stretch. Stifling the tears, I clamped my eyelids shut. I had no idea that hours later I would be sitting on the floor, waiting to die.”