“I loved him more than to ever enable him. I loved him more than to ever give up on him. I love him more than to allow the guilt I feel over his death to consume me. I love him more than to lie about the anger I feel towards him for leaving me alone in this world, only to remember he did not leave me by choice. I love him more than to let people forget him.”
“When I would say, ‘I love you, Campbell,’ she’d reply back, ‘I love you, Campbell.’ There was a disconnect even in our love. Fear gripped me tight. The day she was diagnosed with autism, she’s smiling. I have dark circles under my eyes from crying. Then I got another whammy. My son, a newborn at the time, is also on the spectrum. When he began wandering off on the playground too, I just knew.”
“My heart was telling me she was beyond tired. She can only handle so much. Selfishly I wanted to keep her, regardless if that meant sitting in a hospital or not. But the pain my baby endured was enough to rip my heart out. After a long, hard fight, she left us to go to heaven, a place we all want to be. She was only 10.5 months old. We will indeed see Berkeley again one day, and oh my goodness, what a perfect day that will be.”
“I noticed Noah’s little eye was puffy, agitated, and watering a lot. I was told it was nothing out of the ordinary and it would ‘clear up.’ He didn’t have a fever and was eating and sleeping as normal, so we were sent home. Days later, he had blisters around his eye. Something was wrong. After some tests, they caught it. My boy tested positive for Herpes.”
“I’ve done A LOT of dumb stuff with money, but one of the dumbest was a Victoria’s Secret credit card I opened before our wedding in 2007. I had a freaking loan for my underwear. AN UNDERWEAR LOAN. I was convinced that on my wedding night I needed something awesome to wear. I went crazy. WHO DID I THINK I WAS?!”
“I had to move in with someone I barely knew. I was determined to keep this baby, whether my boyfriend stuck around or not. ‘You’re going to have to deliver the baby.’ I squatted on the bathroom floor. I was convinced I was going to die, that I couldn’t do this on my own.”
“After my husband’s death, I ventured to a kid’s birthday party with my son. I was nervous. As I started mingling with the moms, things got weird. I not-so-casually slid into the conversation that I’m a widow. I was still wearing my rings, so they assumed I was married. This poor woman looked dumbfounded. I kept thinking, ‘Should I have done this differently?’ I cannot pretend my husband didn’t die just to placate people around me.”
“He couldn’t understand why his wife, the woman he knew who had anxiety, the anxiety he understood to be excess worry, or panic, would actually be getting angry. But as I said it… the relief washed over me.”
“I needed a cold drink. It was so hot outside, and I was so thirsty, and I just felt a stirring in my soul saying, ‘stop at Sonic, girl, and get you a Route 44. Think about that tiny crunchy ice. You deserve it.’ I am not one to ignore heart whispers, so I stopped, thinking I had enough change to buy it in my center console thingy. But I thought wrong.”
“This moment was one I’d never in my 33 years of anxiety imagined happening to me. I held my phone steadily pointed towards my little boy, in hopes of capturing his every move on video. I was witnessing something I’d never have wished on the worst of enemies. I searched ‘Polymicrogyria,’ ran to the toilet, threw up my breakfast and curled into a tight ball. When I tell friends my son has a condition that causes epilepsy, they respond by saying, ‘at least that is treatable.’”
