“‘What is your problem?,’ he asked. I yelled at the top of my voice to my husband and said, ‘I’m freaking anxious, okay?’
He couldn’t understand why his wife, the woman he knew who had anxiety, the anxiety he understood to be excess worry, or panic, would actually be getting angry.
Frustrated. Irritated. The symptoms of anxiety no one talks about.
But as I said it… the relief washed over me.
It’s because anxiety bubbles up on the inside and can make you bubble on the outside.
Anxiety presents in a lot of ways, and if I could describe it, it would be a ball inside my chest, a hard ball full of emotions that I cannot handle. The ball makes me feel like I’m choking, that I’m drowning. And I don’t want it, I don’t want this feeling, so I throw it at someone, someone I know where it’ll be safe, and I throw it at them to catch, because I don’t want to feel it. Anxiety makes you vulnerable, anxiety is overwhelming and scary, but anger, anger is strong and makes you feel in control. Something anxiety does not.
Emotions aren’t always what they appear at first glance. I’m always frustrated at a shopping center, because I’m anxious. The mother in the school pick up line isn’t stuck up or rude, she’s anxious. The wife who snaps at the person she loves, doesn’t want to, she’s anxious.
And I’m sorry. I always am. When anxiety wins and anger takes over. But I’ve learned it is I that needs the most kindness, and I give it to myself by talking to a therapist, taking some time, reeling my anxiety in, so that the anger doesn’t take over. I take a deep breath, so I can be stronger than it.
And you always are, you just need to remember that.”
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