“To others, her kids are work. But they are so much for than that. What could’ve been said to to this mom that would’ve not left her with a half smile, but actual joy in her heart? I realized that only ONE word in the statement had to be changed.”
‘Today, I witnessed someone tell a mother of 4, ‘You must really have your hands full.’ I winced. There was nothing positive about it. She half smiled, walked away. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.’
‘I was out at a restaurant. ‘I’m not feeling well,’ I said. I knew something was wrong. Shaking, I excused myself and drove straight home. When I got back, my world crumbled around me.’
“I crawled to the bathroom. I couldn’t stand up without blacking out. I was paralyzed. I was supposed to be getting ready to go off to college with friends and I suddenly found myself unable to get out of bed. The wheelchair made others roll their eyes. ‘You don’t need that,’ they said. ‘Faker.’
‘I kept thinking, ‘If I make more money than my husband, he won’t want me anymore.’ Why was I so afraid? I thought it was normal to fight about money.’
“I remember always being alone in my room, barbies in hand, my parents screaming profanities at each other. ‘Where is all the money? How could you have spent it all?!’ My dad had an expensive drug habit that kept him awake for work. As a child, I learned that money meant I was invisible.”
‘I told him I wasn’t ready to have a baby with him. He didn’t care and messed with my birth control. ‘We’re going to be together for the rest of our lives,’ he said. Needless to say, I got pregnant.’
“Things started to take a darker turn. I wasn’t allowed to go outside alone. He spread lies to my friends and family. When I gave birth, he wouldn’t let me see my child. He called 911 saying I was a danger to the baby. He got full custody.”
‘I was the ‘closet Diet Mountain Dew drinker.’ I was MAD he left me. To be honest, I was a HOT MESS. I fought back.’
“He often told me, ‘You are too damn feisty.’ Well, I knew I had to stand up for myself. For almost 19 years I picked my battles.”
‘It was my daughter’s birthday. I was sitting, my feet in the river. I heard a yell. ‘She’s in the water!’ I turned. She was completely under water, face down. Pure panic went through my mind.’
“Rylee wanted to get closer to the other kids and went forward on the step more than she should have and slipped in. She was completely engulfed. I could see about half an inch of the top of her head. Without hesitation, I dove in after her. The current was taking her away rapidly. I could barely keep my head above water.”
‘My kids were accidental. I never wanted to be a mom. I don’t enjoy playing with my kids. I don’t like being touched or needed.’: Mom recalls struggles of motherhood before finding ‘beautiful love’ in children
“Every single day, I feel resentment, sadness, frustration. I reminisce about my lost freedom. The days I would wake up with energy, pull out my to-do list, and get everything done. The days when I could hop in the car and run a quick errand, take a nap, or shower whenever I wanted. The days I could set BIG goals and actually attain them.”
‘You were second. With you, it was different. The worries of a first-time mom faded. You didn’t make me a mother. But you sure made me a better one.’
“There was no gender reveal party. No elaborate showers. I didn’t take as many photos. We didn’t spend every waking moment reading all the books. I wondered how on earth my heart could ever be big enough, how I could manage to divide my time and energy and love equally enough.”
‘My son got trapped. The car mysteriously locked. He was strapped into a car seat in 100-degree heat, screaming hysterically. I paced in place. The only way to free him was to break a window.’
“My heart stopped. It took the firefighters an unreasonably long to arrive (light years in mom panic mode). My son’s hairdresser came racing to the scene. And then there was a random mom who stopped and stayed with me. My husband made it in record time across town.”
‘The precious time I should’ve had with my newborn was stolen from me. My patience was tried, my marriage tested. I was at rock bottom with no way up. I needed to prove I was a good mom.’
“The village you need to raise a baby felt more like a ghost town. I had no clue what I was doing. There was endless crying, anxiety so severe I didn’t leave the house, stretch marks, flab, puffiness. I despised it all. All I could think was, ‘It has to be better than this.'”