“Every mama has a different story.
Our journeys into motherhood vary, as do the struggles, challenges, and emotions that come with the job. Each and every one of us are entitled to feel ALL the feels, as deep as they come, embracing them and growing from them along the way.
We are mothers. Our job is the same, regardless of our stories. We are meant to raise healthy, kind, and happy children. We are meant to mold our little humans into smart, thoughtful, and giving adults, even though it may be a messy, chaotic, shit show the entire way there.
I am a mother, just like you… yet my story is often misunderstood.
I’d always had an aversion to kids and, more intensely, the lifestyle of a parent. I thought I’d eventually develop a desire to have children, like most women… but it never happened. Not even a trace of maternal instinct existed in my being. The responsibility and obligation of parenthood repelled me so powerfully that I was baffled as to why anyone would want to do it.
Throughout my twenties, while my friends and sisters were all getting married and having babies, I was thoroughly enjoying my freedom. The awareness I had surrounding my unrestricted, independent lifestyle only grew stronger as more people in my circle became wives and mothers. It was as if the more responsibility they took on, the more I embraced my freedom.
I met my husband when I was 26, smack in the middle of a decade-long party phase. He was so obviously meant for me – in the same phase, on the same level – we instantly clicked. At any given night of the week and most definitely on the weekends, you’d find us at a party, a bar, or wherever there were shenanigans happening.
When I started my first business in November of 2012, our lives began to slow down. Sean decided to go back to school, and we both shifted our focus from partying and living in the moment, to our careers and professional development. Over the next couple of years as my business grew, we found ourselves in the party scene less and less. We were beginning to enjoy things like cooking together, eating out, and hanging out at home watching TV shows and movies. In a sense, we had sort of begun to grow up together, in our own way.
In February of 2015, I found out that I was pregnant. This was clearly unplanned and accidental, and (in my mind at the time) possibly the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to me.
I had been living my life on my terms, enjoying every second up to that point. I was a successful business owner, in a happy relationship, with big dreams outlining the horizon ahead.
I didn’t want kids. I never wanted to be a mom. Children were never my thing, and I had zero desire to have any of my own. To me, they were chains. Heavy weights.
And yet – we decided to go for it.
Because of my underlying feelings on motherhood, mindfulness and intention have played a big role in my everyday life since having kids.
I am hyper aware of the way I make them FEEL, and of the things they observe and learn from me. I’m careful and thoughtful with their feelings. And despite how emotionally draining it may be for me, I make sure they have the mother they deserve. A mother who is happy, enthusiastic, energized.
It’s more than difficult for me to be a mom. It’s a battle. Every single day I feel resentment, sadness, and frustration with the responsibility and obligation of motherhood. I never wanted any of it. I don’t enjoy playing with my kids. I don’t like constantly being touched or needed. I loathe the heavy weight of being the one in charge, the one expected to have the answers.
But I DO enjoy watching them grow. I enjoy watching joy spill out of them in fits of laughter. I enjoy watching them love on each other and learn from each other. And I especially love watching them sleep.
I love making them feel like they are the most important people in the world to their mama. But this requires doing all of the things I don’t like – and doing them enthusiastically.
I often reminisce about my lost freedom; the days when I would wake up with energy, pull out my to-do list and get everything done. The days when I could hop in the car and run a quick errand, or take a nap, or shower whenever I wanted. The days when I could set BIG goals and actually attain them.
As a mother, I carry this heavy weight with me every where I go. And that weight exists because I wasn’t made for motherhood. I am a free spirit. A dreamer. A creator. I constantly have ideas that I yearn to put into motion.
It’s not that I can’t do or be these things while I’m also a mom… I just can’t do or be these things all of the time anymore (just a small fraction of it).
I absolutely have regrets about being a mom. But those regrets have zero to do with my children as people. My girls are incredible human beings, and I have never and will never regret or resent their existence. They are the loves of my life.
And they know this. They feel this.
Many people shame me for openly talking about these feelings because they don’t know the relationship I have with my girls. And they fear that one day they will find out.
But I’m not afraid of them finding out. I’m not fearful of them knowing I wasn’t made for motherhood. I have nothing to hide.
I’m proud of the mother I am. I am proud that despite my disdain for motherhood, my kids will never be affected by it.
Yes, one day, my girls may know of my story. The emotional battles I fought. The feelings I hid from them. But if they do, they will ultimately learn that sometimes life can take you down a path you may not want to go. But trusting the universe and going down that path anyway can be a good thing.
It can give you strength and courage. It can force you, in a way, to become the best version of yourself. And you never know what you might find there, buried beneath antipathy or fear.
You just might find the most beautiful love, like I did.”
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