“I was separating from my husband, all the while wondering whether I was going to live or die. I was sharing a room with a woman who’d been told, ‘You have an incurable blood disease. Death is certain.’ I recall shrinking beneath my blankets, not wanting to bring attention to myself on the other side of the thin layer of privacy hanging between us. She told them ‘I have no family to call,’ and when the doctors left, we sat there in silence. I knew I was destined to do more.”
“I use what little energy I have for my job and my children. By the end of the day, I can’t sleep. I can’t be productive. I want nothing more than to lie in the dark. I give myself a pep talk to finally brush the knots out of my hair. Some days, I look in the mirror and cry. Then comes the mania. Like today, I’ll clean like crazy. Take a nice, long shower. I’ll play extra long with the kids and message all the people my depression kept me from. All while wondering when depression will strike again.”
“I spent my second pregnancy in unrelenting fear. I held my breath during every ultrasound. The first question I’d ask the technician was, ‘Is she breathing?’ I mourned a little bit when I found out we were having another girl, as if I were cheating on our first baby by bringing a different girl into the world. But the one thing I’d always find, even on my very worst days, was hope.”
“Our thoughts of having a second child were buried under years of trauma. Until one day. ‘Kylee, I want a baby.’ That sparked something inside me I never thought would happen again. 4 days after my transfer, I took a pregnancy test expecting nothing. There was a very faint second line. ‘This has to be a fluke.’ My heart began racing. A different kind of panic ensued.”
“‘Which road are you on?’ My voice broke. ‘I don’t know.’ Crying, I couldn’t remember. Then, I heard a voice from the outside. ‘Are you okay?’ I expected him to leave. I didn’t think he’d stick around. He leaned in. ‘Can you get out of the car?’ he asked. I shook my head, still crying. He hugged me tightly and I hugged him back, sobbing against his chest. I hadn’t asked for a hug. It never occured to me how much I needed one.”
“Gabby kept complaining about her left knee. Her brother had just gone through a similar growth spurt and had constant knee pain as well. I thought nothing of it. I took the kids to Target after school one day when I noticed she was limping. ‘Does it really hurt THAT BAD?’ Nothing looked wrong with it. Soon after, I got the call. ‘They will call and tell you where Gabby needs to go.’ WHAT? I paused, no idea what she was talking about.”
“I said, ‘Break a leg!’ She got furious and started yelling at me, ‘Why do you want me to break a leg?? She takes things exactly the way they are, what you say is what she hears, and she processes the language just as it’s spoken. Katy has her own unique way of thinking, which I adore.”
“Rowen’s skull was swelling. He started grabbing his head constantly and screaming. He was throwing up non-stop and couldn’t even turn his head. I kept hearing time and time again from doctors, ‘You just need some sleep.’ It got to the point where every time they saw me, they asked, ‘Are you getting sleep? You need it badly.’ I started to doubt myself. Was I going crazy? But deep down, I knew something wasn’t right. I decided to go with my gut. Enough was ENOUGH.”
“I never talked about FA with friends, classmates, or professors. I exhausted myself doing so much walking around campus, attempting to keep up and pretend everything was ok. I had tunnel vision; walking on my own was all I cared about… until I had no choice.”
“I saw the pictures and read the words, but my brain couldn’t understand. My arms were tingling. Alarm bells were ringing in my head. ‘What? Why was this woman, his assistant, texting this to him?’ I slumped to the bathroom floor, then shakily stood and made my way down the stairs, using the handrail to prop me up.”
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