‘I look at my kids and tell myself, ‘Their life would be better without me.’ I push away my partner. I feel my life spiral away.’: Mom shares candid reality of manic depression, urges ‘you are not alone’

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“Manic depression.

That’s what is in these photos below.

I’m a mother of four who suffers from manic depression and suicidal ideation.

I feel my life spiral away from me. I use what little energy I have for my job and my children. By the end of the day, I want nothing more than to lay in the dark. I can’t sleep, but I can’t be productive.

Sometimes on days I have off, I stay in bed so long my body is sore. Some days I have to give myself a pep talk so I can get up and finally brush the knots out of my hair.

Some days I look in the mirror and cry at what I see. I look at my kids and tell myself they would have a better opportunity at life if I wasn’t in it. I imagine ways I can die by accident so my loved ones won’t hate me for killing myself.

Sometimes I’m a martyr in these fantasies. Where I die for those I love. That way I’ll live on in greatness. I take at least 3 showers a day. Sitting under the water wondering when I’ll have my mania, hoping it will last longer than the depression has.

I cry all the time. Over anything and everything. I push away my partner in belief he deserves someone better. That he must not really love me because no one should. But this is just the depression.

Then comes my mania. Like today. I’ll clean like crazy. Trying to catch up on all my depression has made me fall behind on. I’ll do a bunch of laundry. I’ll do my hair and my makeup. I’ll cook my family an amazing meal. I’ll laugh too loud, too often.

I’ll message and call people my depression has kept me from. I’ll play extra long with the kids. I’ll take a nice long shower. One where I stand. Where I wash my hair real well, condition my hair, and even shave.

I’ll lotion up and perfume myself. I’ll take really good care of the body my depression was making me ignore.

I’ll cuddle my partner and be able to communicate how lucky I am to have him. And how grateful I am for his presence. How lucky I am to have him stick by me through the dark.

All while wondering when depression will strike again. The worst is that my depression can last weeks, months even. But I’ll be lucky to get one full week of mania.

Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario
Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario

I wish this was a better talked about subject. I wish I could communicate better with my friends and family. But just know, I love you all. Through the depression and the mania.

I want others to know they are not alone. If this helps one person, then it is worth it. And to those of your struggling: We got this!!! One day at a time, one small step at a time.”

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Courtesy of Krystal Beltran Rosario

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Krystal Beltran Rosario. You can follow her journey on Facebook. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories. 

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