‘Don’t get offended, babe. I just know you love that sort of stuff.’ My husband’s mortifying statement has haunted me for 12 hours.’: Wife hilariously wonders how to get through to ‘walking potatoes’

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“Today, I was absolutely mortified. I couldn’t be more ashamed of myself if I tried.

My husband and I were doing our usual frantic rush around after putting the baby to bed; I’m finishing cooking the tea, cleaning the kitchen, throwing anything that resembles a talking pink pig into the corner of the room, whilst Dave hurriedly dries himself after his long leisurely shower.

Courtesy of June (@ladymama_lard)

The plan was to sit down and do absolutely nothing for at least one hour until one of us falls asleep. Just when I’m about to finish dishing up, Dave graces me with his helpful presence.

‘When’s tea ready, babe?’ Oh my goodness, I thought. I just love being relied on 24 hours a day. It COMPLETES ME. ‘Just grab the cheese from the fridge and grate some for me please,’ I say.

Dave embraces the task in hand as always by asking where’s the grater, where’s the cheese, and where’s the blinkin’ fridge. ‘… June, there’s out of date meat in here. It expired yesterday.’

Courtesy of June (@ladymama_lard)


‘Yeah? Well chuck it out then Dave..’ And then it came. The mortifying statement that has haunted me for the past 12 hours. The reason I am currently questioning my abilities as a woman and a mother.

‘I thought you would have chucked it out to be fair, babe. You are normally on fridge maintenance.’

I think I could feel myself elevate three inches off the ground whilst I really came to terms with what was just said to me.

Fridge maintenance. Like it’s a job.

How on EARTH could I neglect my one and only job that I do around here?! I’ve only ever got to worry about the FRIDGE MAINTENANCE, and I can’t even do that right!

I’m absolutely mortified. Embarrassed beyond words. How could I let this task, that has so clearly been given to me in honor, slip to such a low standard?

I obviously don’t do the washing, the dusting, the vacuuming, the folding, the dishes, the tidying, the shopping. I just have ONE job. To maintain the blinkin’ fridge.

‘Dave. Are you for real? Did you just actually say that it’s on me to throw it out?’

‘Don’t get offended, babe. I just know that you love that sort of stuff.’

OH WOW. Am I just the most boring person in the world and not even realized?! Does he really think I get my thrills from checking the best before dates shelf by shelf?

‘I don’t even know what that means Dave, but just chuck the meat out and grate some cheese.’

I’m walking away to have a long, hard think about how I can get away with just doing my own washing and cooking my own tea in future without looking petty…

‘Babe, how much cheese do you want?’

‘Whatever, Dave.’

‘Babe, how do you want it grated?’

‘I don’t care, Dave. Anything’s fine.’

‘Babe… do you want it on TOP of the food or on the side? I don’t know what to do.’

‘JUST however you want to do it, Dave.’

How does this boy function on a daily basis?!

‘Babe… do I have to cut a block off the cheese to grate it, or can I just grate the whole thing?’

Honestly, I feel I could have been halfway through my dinner by now if I’d just done it myself.

‘Tell me something, Dave. If I’m on fridge maintenance, laundry maintenance, hoovering maintenance, toilet scrubbing maintenance, and King Dave maintenance… what are you maintaining my love? Apart from your relationship with the dog and Sky Sports?’

‘Aw, don’t be like that. I don’t know what’s the matter. GRATING on you, am I?’

Oh sweet Jesus, the walking potato is a comedian.

Courtesy of June (@ladymama_lard)

If you’re a ‘Dave’ and you’re reading this, put down your phone, flush the toilet, and ask your partner if there’s something you can do to help.

Be prepared to ACTUALLY help.

In fact, go to the fridge and check the expiration dates.

Dave is kind, he’s funny, he has weaknesses and he has strengths. Just like any other man. But if he could JUST realize that team work makes the dream work, we would argue less and love more.

Now, does anyone have any ideas how to get that through to our walking potato’s? Answers on a postcard please. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be here in the meantime, relaxing.”

Courtesy of June (@ladymama_lard)

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by June of Lady Mama-lard. You can follow her journey on Instagram here. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.

Read more from June:

‘What the heck is going on? Have we been robbed?!’ I walk through an ocean of toys and books. My husband and baby are hidden among thrown sofa cushions. Sheer panic sets in.’

‘I woke with tired eyes, snappy replies. I had a mountain of laundry to start. ‘What if, for once, I wasn’t productive?’ I had this eager feeling. So, I did it. Disguised in active wear, I rented a five-dollar robe.’

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