‘Every little cramp or pain sends me into a panic attack.’: Woman shares candid reality of rainbow baby pregnancy after child loss

“What pregnancy number is this?

5.

And how many living children?

1.

I tell people I’m carrying a rainbow, but many don’t exactly understand what that means – and I want to talk about it.

Here are some things you should know:

This baby is not a ‘replacement baby’ for the babies I’ve lost.

Carrying a rainbow baby is absolutely terrifying.

It means when I found out I was pregnant my initial reaction was tears of fear, not joy.

It means ultrasounds give me PTSD; laying on that bed gives me horrid flashbacks, and I cry when they turn on the Doppler ultrasound to see blood flow to the baby because I remember that’s how they determined last time that my baby was no longer alive and part of me always thinks it’s happened again.

It means EVERY LITTLE CRAMP OR PAIN sends me into a panic attack because I think I’m miscarrying.

It means SO MANY TEARS.

It means having this pit of sadness every holiday knowing my 3 angel babies aren’t here to celebrate with us.

It means holidays are for visiting your stone.

It means that just because I saw two lines that it doesn’t mean I’ll be adding onto the family.

It means in 9 months I could have another child or in a few weeks or months, I can be planning another burial.

It means keeping EVERY RECEIPT of everything I buy baby because I don’t actually know that what I buy will ever be used.

It means I’m too scared to plan a baby shower because that means having high hopes and I know what it’s like to have your hopes and dreams shattered.

It means it took me until the third trimester to even really start preparing for this baby.

It means just because society thinks you’re out of the ‘safe zone’ of miscarrying, you know you never really are.

It means having triggers that no one understands or realizes and that little comments or the way people say things CAN REALLY HURT.

It means constant anxiety and overthinking.

This post is to all the mamas carrying rainbows, who have rainbows, or who are awaiting their rainbow, because we may walk around with our head up high, but I know the worry and fear you carry and I see you.

I’m here for you.”