“The last 2 weeks and 3 days have been an insane roller coaster ride. I can’t put into words all the emotions I have felt and continue to feel each and every day. I have never in my life felt this kind of pain. Pain that seems like it will never go away. It is excruciating! I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.
I was admitted to Erlanger Hospital on a Thursday night to start my hospital bedrest. I assumed I would be in the hospital for several weeks, maybe even months while I awaited the arrival of my sweet babies. I was 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant with quadruplets, so I knew it was the best place for me to be.
That night/early morning, I started having contractions. They started out being around 20 minutes or so apart and not too painful. I was handling it well. I didn’t wake Kenny up and I didn’t tell the nurse until hours later. I was just trying to be tough I guess. The nurse came in and I finally told her I was having contractions. I already had the monitor on, so she was watching closely and told me to let her know if they got worse. I couldn’t sleep so I turned on the tv and watched ESPN for a while. Kenny woke up and I told him how bad the contractions were and how bad I was hurting. He told me I needed to let the nurse know. I waited a little while and the Doctor came in, so I told her how bad they were, and she immediately wanted to check the monitor and see what was going on. I guess the monitor wasn’t picking them up like I was feeling them, so they moved it around a little to try and see exactly what was going on. About an hour later, I had to go for an ultrasound where they checked my cervix and also measured the babies. The babies looked pretty good and they seemed to all be over 500 grams except Kinsley. But I wasn’t worried. I knew she’d be ok. My cervix however did not look good. I also found out I was dilated 2cm, so I was scared but knew I would be ok. They moved me to a different room immediately and started me on a Magnesium drip to slow down labor. That was rough stuff let me tell you! It made me have a little episode where my blood pressure dropped, and I was panicking a little. I was sweating, felt like I was going to throw up, couldn’t breathe well, had blurred vision, and just felt very sick. It was not fun! I was on that all night and the next day. It did help slow down the contractions but didn’t get rid of them completely. I had to go back and let them check my cervix again that Saturday. I was even more dilated, and they were very concerned. They sent me back to my room and put me back on the magnesium drip. The contractions were still there and were only a minute or 2 apart so I was in a lot of pain. The doctor came in a little later and checked me again.
At this point, she said she could feel Lexi’s head and that I was even more dilated and needed to be taken for an emergency C-section right away. I was freaking out! I was crying hysterically. I didn’t want to have a C-section this early. I kept saying, ‘No. It’s too early. My babies aren’t ready!’ But unfortunately, my body was. The next few minutes were crazy. There were tons of people in my room all of the sudden. It was chaotic and crazy, and I was crying hysterically. I was so scared! I found out I had to be put to sleep, so Kenny couldn’t come back there with me. That sent me over the edge because he was my constant through everything and kept me calm. I wanted him to be with me. My family was close but not quite there yet, so I was crying because of that. Everything was happening so fast. They made me drink this stuff and started rolling me to the OR. Kenny walked with me as long as he could and then hugged me, kissed me, and told me he loved me and would be there as soon as I woke up. When I got to the room, I was still sobbing. I was in pain and I was scared to death. I kept telling everyone in that room, ‘Please take care of my babies.’ They told me they would try their very best. Next thing I know I’m out and waking up to Kenny’s voice letting me know he’s right there and that he told me he would be right there when I woke up. I kept asking him, ‘Are the babies ok? Where are the babies?’ He wouldn’t tell me much. All I remember him saying was, ‘We will see them later ok babe.’ I was so out of it and kept falling asleep only to wake up later and keep asking him the same thing. When I woke up a little more I asked him, ‘Are you being honest with me? Are the babies ok? I don’t feel like you’re being honest with me.’
I later found out the anesthesiologist told Kenny that he didn’t need to tell me right away about the girls because I would just keep falling asleep and forgetting and then I would freak out every time I woke up and my blood pressure would go crazy and I would lose it, so he didn’t feel it was a good idea until I was really awake. I fell asleep again and woke up later in my room. I was awake this time and I asked Kenny again, ‘Where are the babies Kenny? Are they ok?!?’ He looked at me and held my hand and told me the girls didn’t make it but that the boys were ok and in the NICU. I lost it! I cried and cried and couldn’t believe it. I was truly in shock. I am still in shock. I sobbed to him and my dad. They were the only 2 in the room. I talked about how I just ordered their bedding and all their decor for their nursery. I sobbed talking about all the stuff we had for them and how we were so ready for them. I kept saying, ‘I’m so sorry my angels. I’m so sorry.’ My girls were under 500 grams, so they weren’t able to get a breathing tube in them. I found out Kenny and our parents got to hold my sweet angels as they took their last breaths on this earth. I am so glad they got to love on them while they were still alive. I will always be jealous of that. I fell asleep again for a while. I woke up and Kenny asked if I wanted to see the girls. I said absolutely so the nurse brought them in. We got to spend some good quality time with them. We held them and cried and took pictures and just looked at all their sweet little features.
They were the prettiest babies I’ve ever seen. I fell even more in love with them. They were so beautiful! They spent the night with us that night and I just kept waking up, looking over at them. They looked so peaceful.
The next day I remember having family there and Kenny taking me to the NICU to see Elijah and Brock. They were so perfect! I fell even more in love with them too after seeing them. We spent some time with them and then we went back to the room to rest and spend time with family. We all ate dinner together in my room and were just talking and laughing having a good time. My mom and dad had gone to the NICU to see the boys, so we were waiting for them to get back. All of the sudden my nurse comes in the door telling me that we needed to get to the NICU immediately. I got in the wheelchair and she pushed me as fast as she could with Kenny following behind. We had no idea what to expect. We got to the NICU and we were told that Brock had coded, and they were trying to bring him back. We watched as they performed CPR on my sweet Brock and tried tirelessly to bring him back. It was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever seen in my life.
Blood began to fill his lungs and the Dr. told us there was nothing more she could do. We were then asked if we wanted to hold our baby as he took his last breaths. We both held him and sobbed as we felt so helpless because we couldn’t save him. My parents were in there with us. My mom held me as I screamed my head off, crying my eyes out, and hyperventilating. Kenny was behind me and my dad was behind him holding him. We were all a complete wreck. I will never forget what I saw in that room that day. My poor sweet baby. I just kept telling him, ‘I’m so sorry buddy. I am so sorry.’ My heart was shattered. My family came down to the room and we all got to hold him and say goodbye. It was a sweet time. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. I don’t remember a whole lot because they had to give me some medicine to help calm me down, but I do remember everyone holding him and my family praying for us in that room. The next few days were rough. I had many meltdowns and Kenny would wake up with me and comfort me and hold me. I hurt so bad. I cried so hard. I just didn’t understand. Days went by and we would go see Elijah and it was so hard going back in there and replaying all that took place in that same room right across from Elijah’s bed to my Brock. It was painful to look over there and not see my baby.
We got to spend some good quality time with Lexi, Kinsley, and Brock the last few days we were there. We all held them and cried and imagined who they would be one day. I held each one of them for a long period of time and just stared at them.
I sobbed and told them how sorry I was and how I wish it could’ve been me and not them. It just wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. I am looking at 3 dead babies. How is this God’s plan? I don’t know but I know it is and I trust in it. He knows better than I and He has greater plans for me than I could ever imagine. I know He is good and I know He is faithful. I’m happy my babies are with Him and that I will see them again one day.
So now it’s Friday and I’m getting discharged. Leaving that hospital was harder than I realized. I hated leaving without my babies. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. We went to dinner with family and after we ate we got a phone call that Elijah wasn’t doing well and that we needed to get to the NICU ASAP. We rushed there and prayed and begged God not to let him die. We got there, and his numbers were looking much better. He scared us to death! We stayed until 3:00 that morning because we were scared to leave him, but we could barely keep our eyes open ourselves and knew we needed some rest. We prayed over him and went and got a hotel. We went back the next morning and he was doing much better. He has had bad days and good days and we know that’s how it will be for a while. They told us the NICU is a roller coaster ride and that it is. Now every time one of our phone rings, we panic. He has had an infection and surgeries and all kinds of stuff, but he is fighting hard and that makes me fight hard. I am fighting for him. He keeps me going! He is my miracle baby.
We planned the service for our other 3 babies and it was one of the hardest things we have ever done. It was so tough on both of us, but we did it. The service was absolutely beautiful for my 3 angels and it couldn’t have been more perfect. Kenny and I cried hard and needed that closure. It was good for us. We miss them every day and I think about them nonstop. Everything reminds me of them. The babies in the NICU, baby clothes at a store, seeing kids in strollers or car seats, seeing pregnant women, everything reminds me of them. I miss them so much! I feel my stomach a lot where they were, and I cry and miss feeling them move because in there I knew they were ok. I knew they were safe. I miss them more than I can put into words.
It’s going to be a hard road, but I know God’s got us. He has a plan and we trust in it. We believe Elijah is going to pull through this and have such a powerful testimony. We believe the Lord is going to use our story to help reach others. We believe that good will come out of losing our sweet babies.
I just want to thank my husband Kenny for being there for me every step of this journey—the good, bad, and ugly. I never knew how much he loved me until we went through all of this. He has taken such good care of me. I can never say how grateful I am for all he did for me and continues to do for me through all of this. He would get up with me multiple times in the night/day and walk me to the bathroom. He helped me change, shower, do my hair, get me food, whatever I wanted/needed, he took care of me and for that I am forever grateful. He’s the best husband in the world and I love him more than anything! To the Erlanger Staff—thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you did for me and my babies. They took amazing care of me and made sure I had all that I needed. They were so kind and loving. They were there for me on so many levels and I can’t thank them enough. They took great care of my angels. They sent me home with sweet cards signed by the nurses, gave me ornaments for my babies, gifts, memory boxes for my babies, and so much more.
To our families and all of our support system in general—Thank you so much for being there for us through this horrible time and for praying for us constantly. We have felt the prayers. We appreciate all the love and support y’all have shown us during this time. From the food, money, gift cards, doing laundry, buying us dinner, sending us gifts, helping with our house, helping plan the service for our babies, praying, and so much more. We can’t thank you enough!
We love ya’ll so much! Please continue to pray for us and for little Elijah. He is a fighter. He is such a blessing to us. We will forever miss Lexi, Kinsley, and Brock and our hearts will never be the same. I literally miss them so much it hurts. We never expected to lose 1 baby so losing 3 has taken its toll on us. We are still very much in shock. We love you forever and always sweet babies. Until we meet again.
Love, Mom and Dad.”
To read this couple’s full story about their journey up to this point, click here