‘I looked at him and said, ‘Have we been loving each other wrong?’ After 10 years, my husband and I finally learned how to.’: Couple learn to appreciate each other’s needs

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“My husband and I have been loving each other wrong. For the past ten years, we have been loving each other, the wrong way.

A few weeks ago, him and I went out for dinner. He was distracted by his phone a lot, and other people around us. I got a little upset. ‘How could he not know how important date nights are to me? How could he not know that I crave one-on-one attention sometimes?’

He didn’t understand why that was such a big deal to me, and why I was so upset. I tried explaining it in a way I thought he may understand, but he didn’t. So I left it alone.

A few days after that, I had been having a lazy day. I didn’t really do much of the dishes, so the sink was piling up.

No big deal, I thought to myself. I’ll take care of it tomorrow.

My husband got home, looked in the sink, and was a little upset that there was now a growing pile of dishes.

I looked at him and said, ‘I’m sorry, but it’s not that big of a deal. I’m home tomorrow, I’ll do it then.’

Then, like I had tried to explain to him why I was upset about not having one-on-one attention last week at dinner, he tried to explain why the dishes made him feel not very appreciated, and loved.

I looked at him and said, ‘How can dirty dishes make you feel unloved?’

He looked at me and said, ‘Well, how can me looking down at my phone for a quick second at dinner make you feel unloved?’

I looked at him, as I started thinking.

Thinking that we were loving each other in the wrong ways. In the ways where we think our love is being clearly shown, but to each other, it’s not.

Loving someone the way you want to be loved doesn’t always work. Because everyone sees and views love differently.

So, we sat on the couch, and we talked, for the first time in ten years. About how we want to be loved.

What that looks like for us.
Why we need that.
What it feels like.

I discovered that my husband feels the most loved when I do things to help him.

Like putting away the dishes, or helping him out when he needs it.

He learned that I view love as quality time.
I feel the most loved when we spend time together.

For example, when we go out to dinner and his attention is solely on me.

I looked at him and said, ‘Have we really been loving each other wrong this whole time?’

After ten years together, my husband and I finally learned how we need to love each other.

So, as I got up, I walked to the kitchen, and started putting the dishes away. My husband walked up, grabbed the stereo, and said, ‘Let’s wash them together.’

Quality time and helping each other, in one.

We’re slowly learning to show how we love each other, in different ways, together.

After ten years, we now know how to properly love each other.

Because loving someone the way you want to be loved, doesn’t always work.

My husband and I view love so differently, but you know what? I think we’re going to be okay.

We’re going to be okay because I know how to love him properly. In a way where he feels it in his soul.

And as for me, well, let’s just say I have a one-on-one date with my husband tonight, and no phones.”

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Courtesy of Caitlin Fladager

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Caitlin Fladager, and originally appeared here. You can follow her journey on Facebook and InstagramSubmit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.

Read more from Caitlin:

‘Anxiety is just in your head.’ ‘It’s not as bad as you make it out to be.’ This is what anxiety looks like. My raw, scratched up face and chest.’: Woman candidly shares the reality of anxiety

‘Yes, I have 2 kids. Yes, I smoke weed daily. Weed makes me a better mom.’: Mom says marijuana has helped her anxiety, ‘weed is my glass of wine’

‘I’m the backpack of the family. I carry all of your things. Put it all on me. Physically, and mentally.’: Mom pens sweet letter to children, ‘I love being your safe space’

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