“To the woman I saw crying in the parking lot of the OBGYN’s office this morning:
I saw you in the waiting room first. You were sitting to my right. I noticed your husband was there with you, and I guess that should have told me something was going on, because partners aren’t necessarily allowed right now.
But I wasn’t really paying attention, either. I was too busy taking a photo of the 28-week ultrasound photo I had just received to send to my husband.
Looking back, I assume you were watching me. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.
Minutes later, you were called back to ultrasound while I worried about how much weight I had gained in the last 4 weeks.
Then I saw you again, an hour later. I was driving out of the parking lot, when I saw you hunched over in the parking lot, leaning on your husband. He was holding you. Tears were running down your face.
And I knew instantly. I was you 10 years ago.
This was me ten years ago. 27 years old. First pregnancy. Hours before my ultrasound. We had already heard the heartbeat so I wasn’t nervous.
I was in my second trimester, so excited for my first baby. My husband and I knew nothing of loss and went to the appointment completely unaware.
When the ultrasound tech turned the screen away, I knew. When the doctor came in and said there was no longer a heartbeat it was real. He tried to reassure me this just happens. And we could try again. But I refused to listen.
When they sat me in the waiting room with the happy pregnant women, like I was moments prior, I found it hard to even speak.
I felt empty and numb. I felt like a failure. I felt alone. I felt broken.
Even today, it is hard for me to truly describe the feeling of a loss of a baby you already love.
I don’t know your story or if I ever will. But please know, you are not alone. There are so many of us who understand the emotional pain and grief of losing a baby. Lean on us. Let us help you through this.
And know what you are feeling, the pain, is very real and valid. Some may say it’s not. I remember the sting of their words 10 years later. Don’t listen to them, friend.
The loss of my first baby changed me. And I still think about it today. This will change you, too. In more ways than one.
Give yourself time and grace to get through this. I am sorry. And I understand.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by KT Swenson of Finding Cooper’s Voice. You can follow Finding Cooper’s Voice on Instagram. Submit your own story here and sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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