“I’m sitting in the waiting room for my annual physical. I had planned to post something to remind you all that self-care isn’t just bubble baths and naps. It’s being proactive about your health and wellness, exercise and keeping up with screenings, pap smears and mammograms.
In true to my life fashion however I have a different story to tell you. Let it help you remember to schedule your physical so at least it can serve some good.
I usually shower at night because children and mornings are busy but I didn’t want to last night because I felt like I needed to be freshly showered for my exam this morning. I feel like that’s fair.
It was a mistake. I should’ve just taken the dang shower last night and been done with it.
So, I gave the boys a magnet set and turned on an audio book so they could play while I washed everything and shaved my legs. I am aware the men here won’t get this, but the women know what’s up. When you are going to get your pap smeared (yes, I know that’s incorrect) you can’t just wash your hair and shower off. You got to do the whole 9 yards. You have to go for the full on, getting laid later, every nook and cranny shower. Now remember I’m living tiny, so I only have 2 gallons of hot water to make this happen. I planned to exit the shower the way Cinderella looks when the fairy godmother dresses her up. Y’all, I looked much more like Mrs. Hannigan from Annie and that is no joke.
Water on, I step in and get my hair all soapy, face wash going, working it top to bottom you know so I don’t forget something, when I hear the words ‘have to go pee pee!’
Now mind you I took him right before I stepped in but that doesn’t matter now because even though he is potty trained there is little grace. If the kid says he’s gotta go, I tend to believe him. However, he can’t get the door open, awesome.
So, I yell for a big boy to come and open it, they of course don’t hear me because of the audio book.
So, with soapy hair piled high and a face full of biodegradable, grey water safe soap I step out and feel for the handle. Letting him in in all my nakedness I managed to slip, probably because of the soap, back against the wall, wound around the tiny toilet I’m not feeling very Cinderella at this point. Don’t forget I was washing my face so I can’t open my eyes.
I’m fumbling trying to get up and not say audible bad words the toddler is bound to repeat in the grocery store when he again begins to scream ‘Mommy! I have to pee pee now!’
And he did.
Partially in the potty, and partially down my leg. I know this not because I could see but because it felt warm. Whatever, I’m getting back in the shower anyway and at this point my standards are pretty dang low. So, I get back in and rinse off when the hot water runs out because I spent my hot water time in the floor getting peed on like a lady.
I ended up finishing my shower cold and forgoing shaving my legs, sorry to the Dr who will be roto rootering my business later, but it is what it is. Seriously, in these appointments you can almost taste the latex gloves. (Also, during this shower two cats got in, there was a lizard incident and two people asked for snacks). It was less than 10 minutes, it’s not like I was luxuriouiating (not a word).
I am here now, sitting in the old lady part of the waiting room surrounded by pamphlets about vaginal dryness and pelvic floor strength. This is the side they send you to when you’re done having babies and have gladly had your partner neutered (side note: men are neutered or spayed? I’ll Google it later). This is the side for yearly checkups, breast exams and another speculum fun. I can see the maternity side where all the 20 something ladies are waddling around all fertile and stuff and I can honestly say I’m happy to be over here with the sandy vag pamphlets, god bless you all but I don’t miss it.
The moral of the story? Get our physical ladies but shower the night before.”
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