Disclaimer: This story includes mentions of suicide attempts that may be triggering for some.
“‘There is no suffering greater than that which drives people to suicide; suicide defines the moment in which mental pain exceeds the human capacity to bear it. It represents the abandonment of hope.’ – Dr. John Maltsberger
14 Years Ago…
The house was empty and quiet…
The voices were working overtime…
I locked the front door, turned the lights off, and made my way down the hall to my room…
Fully dressed, I sat on the edge of my bed and emptied the assorted pill bottles I had just picked up from the pharmacy…
They were supposed to make life ‘normal,’ make me feel ‘normal’…but I didn’t. I felt lost.
I turned the light off…laid my head down…closed my eyes and waited…waited for the pain to stop and the peace to come.
When I opened my eyes, everything was a blur, I was in a deep fog…my room was filled with people…I saw each of you.
I remember each of your faces.
I heard the fear and concern in each one of your voices.
That memory is burned in my soul forever.
Overhearing the plan to keep my children from walking out of the church at any moment and seeing the ambulance, police cars, and multiple families and friends’ cars in the front yard is still something I can’t forget.
Seeing the pain in the face of the ones I loved so dearly haunts my dreams.
Arriving at the hospital to be worked on by the people I called friends was humbling.
The fear they tried to hide with gentle smiles as they worked to reverse what I had willingly done to myself, was showing their grace under pressure.
I had an NG tube placed, my stomach was inflated with a saline solution and emptied multiple times, and then I had multiple bottles of active charcoal put in that same tube going into my stomach…
I spent the night in ICU.
My family was not allowed to visit.
The next morning I went to Greenleaf for an extended stay.
Definitely not something I will ever forget.
With all that being said…
Depression is a thief that takes everything from you and leaves you to die!
I am a work in progress and I struggle….and that is okay!
Mental health and depression are serious issues!
If you feel sad or feel that you might hurt yourself please talk to someone.
Talk to me.
Talk to a friend.
Talk to a doctor.
Talk to a teacher.
Talk to God.
Please, please talk.
Now, that I have said that…
When someone trusts you enough to talk…please listen.
Don’t say, ‘It’s in your head,’ ‘Everything will be okay,’ ‘Suicide is selfish,’ ‘Your life isn’t that bad,’ or ‘Things could be worse.’
I am here because someone heard me.
They heard what I said, what I didn’t say, and what I couldn’t say!
I will never claim to know what you as an individual are going through.
Just know I am here.
I have not beaten this yet…every day I fight; some days I win the battle, some days…it’s just a day, and at midnight it starts over and I get another chance.
I am who I am because of this life-altering decision I made!
That one day is but a speck on the grand canvas of my life!
Thank you to everyone who went to God on my behalf that night and the days that followed.
Thank you to everyone who still does.
Thank you to those who heard the words without me making a sound.
Thank you for holding me, loving me, pushing me, and believing in me.
Say what you need to say; you never know who needs to hear it!
I am so very thankful for the role each of you plays in my life.
To all the ones who have stayed on this epic ride, I love you dearly, and to the ones who loved me enough to know they needed to go their own way, thank you!”
If you’re thinking about hurting yourself, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help is out there. You are not alone.
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Wendy Waters Benka. If you or someone you know is struggling, visit this website. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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