“I had known Kyle since I was about 7 or 8 years old. He was my oldest friend, and my only friend from before I was molested in middle school. Our fathers and stepmothers were and still are best friends. We used to have family cookouts when we were little and go to the water park on the weekends when we were with our Dads. I moved out of state from Florida to Pennsylvania after experiencing trauma. Not too long after, I moved back to Florida and into my Dad’s house. Kyle and I started dating.
We were 15 and thought we were so in love. I ended up taking his virginity and our families were not too happy when they found out, but we thought we knew everything (as most teenagers do). We spent most of our time outside of school together and hung out at the local ice-skating rink a lot. The relationship did not last too long as most High School relationships don’t and I ended up moving back to my Mom’s in PA. We remained in contact here and there throughout the years with visits. Throughout that time, I had two kids and was married to someone else.
My marriage eventually ended and overtime, Kyle and I started talking on social media and through text messages. Eventually, Kyle moved to PA and where I lived with my kids and we ended up getting married in 2017. No marriage is perfect, but I knew he loved me and my kids with everything he had to offer. Around April of 2018, we found out we were expecting a baby. Kyle was over-the-moon excited! This baby was Kyle’s first biological child. I was concerned as we already had two kids in our household, both my other pregnancies were high risk, and I gave birth to my last baby in the car without any medical help. But Kyle said, ‘We got this,’ so I believed in us. We went to the Doctor at 6 weeks and had an ultrasound.
They were unsure if the pregnancy was viable and said to come back in a week. We went back in a week for another ultrasound and, sure enough, there was a heartbeat and we got the go-ahead that the pregnancy was viable. The first thing we did was find a new OBGYN closer to home since I was due in Winter and did not want to travel 45 minutes after having had a baby in the car. We also decided not to tell the kids until we were further along. We told our parents who had mixed emotions. Then we just went on living our life.
Then in June 2018, Kyle’s mom asked him to come home to dog sit so she could go to a high school reunion. Kyle took a train and went home to his Mom’s. A few days later, I received one of the worst texts of my life. I was being informed by his Mom that Kyle had passed away. I did not believe it and was in major DENIAL. I pretended like nothing happened until a couple of hours later when the hospital called me to confirm that Kyle was in fact gone.
Everything from there became a whirlwind of unknowns. I was in my early 30s not knowing really anyone who died except my grandparents and now I was expected to plan for a future without my deceased husband. I also now had the task of telling my children my husband passed away. I had to explain to them I was also having Kyle’s baby on my own. My family, Kyle’s stepmother, my church family, and the women from the Pregnancy Center that walked through my pain with me were truly a lifesaving blessing. I do not know if I would have gotten through this without my children, including the one I was carrying.
I knew I had to get up every day, eat, bathe, work, etc. because I needed to function for my babies. In July 2018, I celebrated Kyle’s birthday with a celebration of life since I opted out of having a funeral. We also found out at that event we were having a baby GIRL when my oldest did a gender reveal as a ‘birthday gift’ for Kyle. I was happy but also heartbroken because I knew our daughter would never go to a Daddy daughter dance with her Dad that wanted her so bad.
Fast forward to December 2018. It was the first Christmas since my husband passed away. It was sad, but I also had a scheduled induction the next morning to meet our new baby girl. My oldest, who was 15 at the time, made me a sign for my hospital door explaining I was alone because my husband is in Heaven. This is because I was in the hospital a couple of times for preterm labor and hospital staff kept asking, ‘Is Daddy on the way?’ Every time the question was asked it felt like I was losing Kyle all over again and the reality. I was carrying the baby of someone who was no longer alive would hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was lucky because my ex-husband, Jon, who is my best friend, stepped up and came to the hospital as often as he could so I would not have to be alone and hear the questions. On December 26, 2018, I went to the hospital for my scheduled medicine-free induction with Jon and my two kids, Madi and Dylan, by my side. They broke my water around 9 a.m. and that was the only medical procedure I opted for during my induction. I had to be induced since I was in a medical condition where my babies are born in less than 20 minutes which is why my son was born in a car. Shortly, after my water was broken Jon and the kids left so my Mom could come.
My mom and I walked the Labor and Delivery halls many times laughing and talking about Kyle. Finally, at 3 p.m. in the afternoon, our daughter was born! The whole experience was kind of a blur because her arm was stuck, and she was having trouble being born but I chose to have a fully unmedicated delivery. Once she was born, I held her immediately and she stayed with me for quite some time before the nurses took her to be measured. She was perfect! Everything Kyle said she would be. We were both there and healthy and I was blessed. But Kyle was not there, and it hit me HARD that he never will be again.
Sometimes the thought of Kyle being gone takes my breath away and I am surrounded by earth-shattering silence. But I remind myself of all the people that are still here and continue to be here for us. I also know Kyle is looking down on us from Heaven. A little while after, I had my other kids come to meet their new sister. I even had the ‘mother/father hospital dinner’ with my 6-year-old son. It was great!
I named our baby Kyrin, meaning Kyle and Erin, to honor my husband. I was fortunate that we had agreed on the name Kyrin no matter the baby gender, so it was one thing I was able to do WITH Kyle. Fast forward to the present time, Kyrin will be 17 months next week, Dylan will be 8, and Madi will be 17 this Summer. We are a great family unit and closer because of the heartaches we experienced. I would not wish the loss of a significant other on anyone and especially during pregnancy.
However, I did learn a lesson from losing Kyle and that is tomorrow isn’t promised to us, and you do not know when it will be the last time you talk to someone you love. So, always do your best to not take any day for granted and always say I love you as often as possible. I will always miss Kyle and mourn the loss of my daughter’s father that she will never hear or see in person. But, I now know how strong I am and how resilient I am. I know that I can walk the hard path and come out strong in my faith and a role model for my children.
No matter what, I will be here for as long as I can to love Kyrin and her siblings. I am blessed to have people like my family, Jon, Katya and so many more to walk through the storm with us. My advice to anyone hurting from the loss of a significant other is to seek the support you need and make sure you keep your ‘village’ close because you will need them. Even now as the two-year anniversary of Kyle’s death is quickly approaching, I know I still need my people to lean on when days are hard.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Erin Kimble of Denver Pennsylvania. Follow her journey on Instagram and Facebook. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
Read more stories like this:
‘I used to tell people I didn’t believe in abortions. ‘It’s a baby! Murder!’ And then, my boyfriend died. You don’t know until you know.’: Woman struggling with grief says ‘I was faced with an impossible choice only I could make’
Do you know someone who could benefit from reading this? SHARE this story on Facebook with family and friends.