“I shizzed my pants during my job interview.
Yes, you read that correctly (unfortunately). Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.
And you thought you were having a bad day? Pffft.
I went in for the interview that day thinking to myself, ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ After all, I’d just spent 2 months wallowing in depression after being fired for reporting a co-worker’s inappropriate behavior (apparently, it’s not the best idea to assume justice when you’re up against a ‘trusty’ employee). The job hunting was brutal and with each rejection, I lost a little more hope.
Shizzing yourself at your job interview, THAT’S the worst that can happen. Nothing more embarassing than that. Mortifying, really.
So, when I finally landed an interview for a company I REALLY wanted to work with, again, I said to myself, ‘What’s the worst that can happen? Today is a new day!’
That morning, I was feeling a bit nervous. So, a friend of mine decided to take me out for a quick meal and pep talk. When the local diner we often went to was too packed, our destination quickly changed to Popeyes, which I will now refer to as ‘The Culprit.’
I ordered what I always did at The Culprit. Spicy chicken burger, a biscuit, fries, and a water bottle. The usual. Only things would prove to pan out in a not-so-usual way.
After finishing my meal, I had about an hour and a half until my interview. It was a little less than an hour commute away. So, I dropped off my friend and headed for the road. But the road would lead me elsewhere.
Twice, TWICE, The Culprit had me pulling over to run for public restrooms. Suddenly, my anxiety was at an all-time high. I was literally praying to God, mother Earth, and sweet baby Santa Claus to spare my bowels for just the hour of my interview.
I actually thought my prayers were answered. It appeared the rumbling and growing of my stomach was dying down. Oh, how wrong I was.
Eventually, I arrived at my job interview. Things were panning out perfectly. I met with a preliminary worker who asked me a few simple questions. ‘What makes you a good fit for our company?’ ‘How did you discover this position?’ ‘What are your strengths and weaknesses?’ Blah blah blah. Then, she closed the door. ‘Our boss Mr. X will be in to speak with you momentarily.’
Suddenly, I could feel a bead of sweat roll down my face. The lights in the room got a little brighter. My stomach started making those beastly growls again. I just got to my feet to rush to the bathroom before I heard a knock. ‘Hello, Mrs. O? It’s nice to meet you.’
Shiz. Shiz. Shiz. Shiz. Holy shiz.
It was too late. I was trapped, and the Culprit was gearing me up for the grand finale.
We exchanged some small talk. He asked me a bit about myself and my employment history. Why I’d decided to leave my previous job, and ho-
Oh no. Oh no.
My stomach started to feel bubbly. You know what I mean. Suddenly, I felt hot flashes and SHOCK. I knew this wasn’t just a false alarm. My body was going to do the damn thing and I had no control over it.
Before I could even finish my sentence, The Culprit left me a little surprise. I was hoping it was just gas, but this gas was LIQUID.
I had two options: sit there in my own shiz and try, with a straight face, to answer my employer’s questions all-the-while praying he wouldn’t smell it, or run the HECK away.
I chose the latter.
I remember saying something along the lines of, ‘There’s been an emergency at home. I have to go. I apologize,’ and I BOTLED for the door.
I never saw him again.
I still don’t know if he knew. I don’t think I want to know.
But I hope telling this story could at least put a smile on your face and make you feel better about YOUR day. I just want to make people smile. Life is short.
This happened to me almost one year ago now. It gets better. Just please don’t eat Popeyes before a job interview. Or before ANYTHING important for that matter.”
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