“My youngest is 4 years old, and I’ve finally come to terms with it: I have postpartum rage.
It’s been a few months now that I’ve been questioning myself.
Wondering what’s wrong with me.
Wondering if other moms feel this.
Wondering if I’m just desperately trying to label my emotions so I can justify my feelings.
I’ve read the posts and pieces and memes and laughed it off and cried it off for as long as I can, but I finally realized I’m flat out lying to myself… because it can’t be right, right?
My youngest is 4 years old, wouldn’t I have noticed it before?
Why does everything trigger me?
When they yell, it triggers me.
When they fight, it definitely triggers me.
When they cry, it triggers me.
When I have to repeat myself like a broken record, it triggers me.
When they laugh too loud in the car, it triggers me.
The good and the bad trigger me.
And I know some people will read this and think how horrible I am, that even my children laughing triggers me.
But I am so spent.
I am so tired of breaking up fights.
I am so tired of folding laundry.
I am so tired of cooking food that won’t get eaten.
I am so tired of forced outings and play dates and speaking in a limited vocabulary.
I am so tired of saying I’m so tired.
Which is why everything triggers me.
The fact of the matter is, I had 3 beautiful children all 2 years apart, and didn’t have any time in between to catch my breath.
I didn’t get a chance to get my head above water before I found myself immersed in the mundane day-to-day tasks of keeping little humans alive and well.
And I’m not saying I’m ungrateful and regretful.
I’m not saying that I would trade my children for anything in the world.
I’m not saying I don’t love them.
I just want someone to hear me and tell me they feel what I feel without throwing suggestions and solutions at me.
I just want to feel validated and understood.
I just want someone to tell me that it’s okay and that this will pass.
This smile I paint on my face every day is hiding a whirlwind of emotions inside me screaming to be let out.
It’s draining and exhausting to always try so hard to be okay.
I am spent.
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Suka Nasrallah. You can follow her journey on Facebook. You can purchase her book, Unfiltered Truths of Motherhood: Captive & Captivated, here. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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