‘K, this weekend for sure. No more BS. No excuses this time.’ He relapsed, again. ‘I’m so scared. I don’t want to die like this.’: Woman details her struggles with loving an addict

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“You ever love an addict?

You obviously don’t want to enable him, but you also don’t want to push him away. You want for him so badly to get sober so he can live, be healthy, and have a fulfilling life. BUT without a doubt, you secretly and selfishly like him more when he is under the influence. Because honestly, when he is GETTING sober, he is an absolute nightmare! You hate every moment of it. Ugh! The way he treats you, the way he treats others around him, the way he treats himself – f*ck his whole attitude is just negative and toxic. As much as you try, you can’t prevent that dark energy from entering your own soul. You just want to be happy, but it’s just way too strong, so it comes through anyway. So now, every moment you’re around him, you’re in a rut too. But you are literally all he has. And he is literally all you have. So, you man up and step the f*ck out of that selfish little bubble and you think to yourself:

‘Ok, this is just part of the process. He needs to go through this to conquer this mission of getting clean. This isn’t about you. It’s about him. Be supportive. Don’t leave him. Think of how hard this must be for him. He has been so dependent on the bottle. Now, look. HE is making this step towards a better life for himself. Just deal with it. It’s only temporary. Eye on the prize.’

But then…he never makes it. He relapses because he hates himself sober too. So, it’s back to the devil that got him here in the first place. And for the 20th time this year, you still don’t know that truly sober person you fantasize about knowing and loving. Because he can’t make it past the damn 14-day sober mark. It’s the hardest part when the temptations and physical withdrawals are the cruelest for a recovering addict. God! If he could just keep fighting through it, you would take back all those things you said to yourself about how much you hate him when he’s getting sober. You start making deals with God, who you haven’t talked to in years…‘Lord! If you help him, I promise I’ll do this… And I’ll do that…And I’ll change this…And I’ll be this…Just hear me…And help him…Please…’

But it’s not that easy. And what would you know anyway? You’ve never had to deal with an addiction. You haven’t exactly made it out free and clear of the hardest sh*t you have ever had to go through either. So, are you going to sit there and act like God’s being all judgy, or are you just going to take this person for what they are?

But anyway, here he is again…a couple more weeks deep into another binge, making up for lost time, I guess. But soon reality and mortality start to set back in.

Money is getting tight. That savings you guys are trying to build just won’t get up there.

Yeah, these last few weeks during the binge you guys shared some laughs and jokes and played a little, but it’s not like hell remembers anyways. Those good times are just YOUR memories now. Those promises he made, those loving nice things he said and did, those places you went, those plans you guys made…Was it real if he doesn’t remember when you remind him? The answer is no. That wasn’t real. No matter how good it felt. For you, it’s like you’re living a lie and for him, it’s like he’s not even really here.

He starts to tell you:

‘My liver is hurting; I really need to stop.’

‘I threw up a little blood. Don’t worry, I’m going to get sober.’

‘I’m scared. I don’t want to die like this.’

‘I’m never going to get anywhere in life if I keep doing this same old sh*t. I’m just tired of it.’

‘K, this weekend for sure. No more bullsh*t. No excuses this time.’

‘If I don’t do it this time, I never will.’

‘I’m just tired of talking about it. I just need to stop or f*cking kill myself.’

So, you hype him back up. Because this time is the last time, FOR SURE! You can literally feel it in your bones. You mentally prepare yourself for the next couple of weeks. Remind yourself to deal with your own sh*t on your own. You obviously don’t want to add anything to his plate to trigger him or make it harder to recover…It’s okay. You got this. Everything is going to be okay this time. He has finally had enough. He is a different person mentally than he was three weeks ago. You guys are going to make it out. I know it.

Apply. Rinse. Repeat.”

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by S.V. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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