“Suddenly, getting dressed doesn’t seem so important. I’ve read we are supposed to dress for the day you want to have, but I don’t know, does it matter so much now?
My husband pushes to get the kids dressed at least, but in my head, I’m wondering why even bother? It’s just us. Every day it’s just us in these four walls.
Any sort of structure has started to lose its luster. They ask me what’s for dinner and I shrug and realize it’s 5 o’clock. ‘Whatever you want,’ I say and let them eat in front of the TV again.
Tomorrow is my son’s birthday. He’ll be four. I slacked too long and the gifts I ordered won’t arrive in time. I reassure myself by saying he’s still so young, he won’t be disappointed. But in my heart, I’m fuming with myself. Who am I? Just two months ago I planned a birthday party extraordinaire for my oldest. This just isn’t like me.
We’re on our third week of homeschooling. In the first two weeks, we had so much fun writing out our schedule. But yesterday, my oldest said he was tired of this and I nodded my head in agreement. Me too.
There’s a whole other world outside this home where people are dying, and health workers are saving. Where essential businesses are working hard and modern-day heroes are delivering mail every day, checking out groceries, counting pills at the pharmacy, and picking up trash.
I’m left here feeling, well, useless and tired. So tired. Is this really all I have to offer during a crisis? I feel like the kid in the playoffs whose coach just said, ‘Sit this one out Celeste. The team needs you more cheering from the bench.’
I’m scared, and I swear my throat has been tingling for weeks now in anticipation of possibly getting sick. I fear for my family. My older mom and in-laws. My loved ones.
I’m angry. I’m so angry it’s gotten this far. I hate that we don’t have enough supplies, and that people are jumping at each other’s throats on social media.
Part of me wonders if a sense of peace will come when I mentally come to terms with the new normal. Will I take things more in stride then? But the rest of me revolts. I don’t want this to be the new normal. I don’t want this reality, not now and not in the future. I want better for us. For our kids.
And probably, the reality is somewhere looming in the middle — as it often does. Things will never be the same again, even once we leave our homes again. Our brains are being rewired every single day. Change is inevitable. Maybe, the internal peace comes from understanding this is exactly as it’s supposed to be. Today, tomorrow, and every day thereafter. This is just how it’s supposed to be.
We may not like it, we might rebel a little with half-assed dinners and wearing PJ’s all day, but the sooner we come to terms with it, the better off we are. So, I will get dressed today. I will wear some loungewear and put my hair in a bun. I will help my kids get dressed and plan a full schedule for homeschool today. Because dammit, my job is essential too. To my kids, my job right here in these four walls is essential.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Celeste Yvonne of The Ultimate Mom Challenge. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.
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