“If you had told me at the age of 24 l would be sitting in my living room with my best friend that secretly started kindling a relationship with my husband and was about to put me in situation that would change my life forever. I would have laughed in your face. But here l am today newly divorced, picking up the scattered pieces from abuse, selling my house and closing down my little business, I’ll never forget the struggle and hustle in my journey to get to where l am now at the age of 26.
It all started when my husband and l met when l was 18 years old as l was still in High School completing year 12. We started off as friends and then our relationship blossomed from best friends to falling head over heels. We dated for two years and then finally tied the knot on the 7th of March 2015 after a lengthy engagement to save for our wedding and first home together.
I remember on the day of my wedding l wanted everything to be so perfect and to be the fairy tale that l had dreamed of since being a little girl. Deep down as l started getting ready for my wedding day, l remember bright and early in the morning sitting in a chair at the hair dressing salon l started developing this overwhelming feeling of worry and concern. To escape these thoughts l went for a stroll across the road to the lake, as l was strolling quietly along the lake l even started to doubt deep down in my heart and in my mind if l was making the right decision at such a young age getting married at 22 and giving someone unconditional love for the rest of my life.
Throughout the day when it was time to walk down the aisle my hands started shaking with this beautiful bouquet that l was grasping on to for dear life. But l had pushed through the tears and married a man that l believed from memories and adventures together growing up together, that he wanted to provide me that unconditional love and give me with that happily ever after that l had always desired.
At first when l was married it felt amazing to be loved, happy and to have someone achieve some common goals with me, but little did people know that our marriage began to unravel and spiral as abuse, unfaithfulness and neglect started to commence. Sometimes l would use my voice to speak up for my needs, voice my opinions or advocate and try and save my marriage, but as time passed more and more passionate arguments arisen about his partying, drinking, reckless driving, money usage and use of substances. Unfortunately after these arguments had finished, I was often left dealing with many tears, swallowing my pride, meltdowns and even sometimes turning to a bottle of liquor to ease the pain slumped on the floor.
I remember when l had begged my husband to attend marriage counselling with me and he had finally caved in, after so many countless sessions of expressing my feelings and fighting back tears, l started to develop no love or remorse for my husband and the actions that he was condoning. I constantly had a voice playing in my head over and over again saying, ‘How can you continue to love this man, when he continues to hurt you?’. Soon enough it became too much and just before my 25th birthday filled with hurt, heartbreak and pain l stood in front of my husband and using all of the energy and strength that was left inside of me l ended the marriage.
A few weeks after my 25th birthday, when my best friend pulled into the drive way of my home, as l was packing different contents of my house l started hurling my eyes out in her chest sharing my pain and stories. Little did l know that l was venting all of my pain and hurt to my best friend that she was texting all of this to my husband and kindling the start of a secret relationship with him, that over time l would soon find out about.
As the day passed and it became very late at night, l heard a large, ‘bang’ and the door slammed wide open. The first thing that l had noticed was he seemed agitated and upset the news and stories that l was sharing to my close friends and family. As he became more agitated and upset l had asked him to please leave or l would call the police, a scuffle broke out, he opened the door and threw me outside the front of our house in my long sleeve shirt and panties into the freezing cold. When he finally let me back into the house our neighbors had ran over and wanted to call the police but l had begged them not to and reassured them that l was fine because l was afraid of what was going to happen next.
When he finally went to bed, l sat their cold, alone and numb till the sun broke through. After he had left for woke l put my brave face on, picked myself up and carried myself back over to the neighbor’s house pleading and begging them to help me fix the door and other broken items around the house that were fueled from his anger the night before. I was able to hold it together that day, up until the point that l drove myself to hospital and photos of the scratches, bruises and marks were taken of me.
At that point in my life l had felt so powerless, worthless and a failure. I knew deep down that something had to change, and l had to change because there was no way that he was coming back, or would our marriage rekindle again.
When l had finally sold my house and closed my business. I sat on the driveway crying and l believed that l would never be able to heal. I packed and left for Dubbo, Australia all by myself far away from my friends and family broken hearted with some personal belongings just to remove myself from civilization as much as possible.
When l was living in Dubbo l worked my heart out to keep myself so busy, just so that way l could not feel any of the pain and hurt that was building up inside of me. Sometimes l even skipped meals and starved myself working 10-12-hour days just so that way l could pay rent and prove to myself that l could live by myself and have some sort of comfortable life without relying on anyone. A few months had passed and as continued to embark on my adventure in Dubbo, l was told from my best friends fiancée that she was going to marry, for some time she had been kindling a relationship with my husband behind my back and his sharing all of my personal details and events with him. To this day l still wish l never heard those words, to be honest l don’t know what hurt the most heart break from a broken marriage or losing your best friend to the man that you are still married with.
When my health started to deteriorate and the constant pain inside of my tummy had gotten worse, I flew back to Sydney and had a procedure performed on me. It turned out that l was diagnosed with stage one endometriosis and a blockage in one of my fallopian tubes. I tried to so hard during my recovery stage to climb out of bed with stitches in my tummy just to go see the marriage Counselor and sign my divorce papers to start this draining and tiring process.
I remember as time had passed, l continue to feel pain, numbness and heartbreak. I had lost everything and had no direction in life. When l called my Mom asking and begging for help, she just told me to just take one day at a time and to build the momentum to be strong to pick yourself up again.
That was one of the best pieces of advice that l had received in my life. From that moment l found the energy and determination with one of my best friends to start loving myself, and change my life by breaking down my goals into little tasks and chapters.
I packed up and moved to Sydney, feeling grateful, relieved and happy that l was back home close to friends and family to cherish and nourish from the love and support that l needed. I was brave enough to take those steps and leave the dysfunctional relationship that l was in, and learn from others.
My life has changed for the best, when l look back on the past, l’m proud enough to say l was able to survive the pain and heartbreak. To each and every person that reads this you are not a failure, you are stronger then you think you are and if you believe in yourself, goals and dreams anything is possible. I am now working towards starting my own business again, building an ambassador portfolio and have started dating again an incredible person that adores me for who l am.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Natasha Rogers of Australia. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.
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