“The feelings of childhood trauma can come up to bite us in the butt sometimes.
And why wouldn’t it? Childhood abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, it changes the way the human brain develops.
It can affect your ability to be loved, and not because you’re not worthy, but because you don’t believe you should be. Abuse is all you know, neglect is all you know, abandonment is all you know.
It affects your ability to parent, the sound of a crying child triggers an emotional response in you that sends you right back to your 6-year-old self.
Friendships are difficult, because people aren’t who they say they are right? I mean everyone who was meant to love you didn’t protect you. They hurt you.
You can’t believe it when someone compliments you, because they must be lying. You are not what they say you are.
The worst scenarios play like a merry go round in your head, because doom is what you’ve known. And you know it can happen.
It’s not being upset, it’s pain. It’s crying and lashing it out, it’s hurting to yourself to numb the pain in your heart.
It’s not an overreaction, it’s a side effect of the abuse you endured. You can suppress these emotions and memories for years and one day one thing will remind us of the pain and the rocks come tumbling down.
And I’m not brave, and I’m not taking the easy way out. I’m not attention seeking. I’m not romanticizing it. It’s not glamorous I’m showing you real life. My real life. I’m showing you the physical symptom of PTSD, of trauma of depression, of anxiety. Here it is folks. It exists it’s real.
And it hit me hard today.
I was a child that was told to shut up when I cried, I learned to suppress deep inside. You don’t talk about this stuff, it’s taboo, its attention seeking, it isn’t real. I was always told this… and for years I listened. And it erupted like a volcano in other ways.
And now, I will share it for all those who have ever felt this pain. Because until today I never knew how bad it could get. I was always thinking I was healed, but this is the rash of PTSD, the broken leg of depression, this is the heart attack of trauma. This is it.
And I’ll never give my abuser the power that he had by being quiet. Never again.
And we have been having our battles lately, like never before, but my husband was the first man, the same sex as my perpetrators, told me he believed in me, that I could speak my truth. He made me feel like everything was safe to talk… and he gave me the courage to write like I’ve always wanted to. And today he made me feel powerful and unashamed. Because he left work and he told his boss ‘My wife cut her wrists, I’m not ashamed, I’m not embarrassed, this is my wife and she is dealing with pain.’
We spend the time to mourn the celebrity who took his life and we talk about mental health for a while, we buy a ribbon, ‘they were so happy’ and ‘we don’t know what went wrong’.
I’m in a hospital bed because what I did was a cry for help. One I didn’t expect to yell out. But I did, and I’m here, and I will fight to get better. It won’t be easy, but I will do it.
So, for everyone who has the scars of depression, of anxiety, of postnatal depression and trauma, or PTSD, bipolar, BPD, eating disorders, ADHD. For the people’s whose scars are inside their hearts.
I stand by you, and you should never be embarrassed, and you should never be ashamed. You should never be suppressed. Don’t mark your body with your pain, shout your pain instead because I am listening, we are listening, and we care about you NOW.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Laura Mazza of Mum on the Run, where it originally appeared. Follow Laura on Instagram here. Submit your story here, and subscribe to our best love stories here.
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