“I was working 80 hours a week. All the while, my baby daddy was partying and sleeping with other girls. I remember crying and feeling so close to death. Yet, this life was forming inside of me. I wanted to give my unborn child a chance.”
‘Me at 19: ‘I’m pregnant.’ Him: ‘Get an abortion!,’ he exclaimed. My life was over. ‘Why would you do this to me?’ I felt a wave of fog fall over me.’
‘Charlie?! CHARLIE!’ My son wouldn’t look at me anymore. I didn’t even recognize him. My entire world came crashing down. The doctor told me ‘not to worry’. I later learned how wrong she was.’
“It all happened so fast. He stopped speaking altogether. I wasn’t hearing his sweet little voice saying ‘thank you’ after I gave him a cookie. He didn’t like to be touched anymore. He avoided people, even us, his parents. I wasn’t prepared to hear the diagnosis. It hit me hard. My jaw dropped.”
‘I sobbed as my husband picked up. He knew immediately it was a ‘no.’ We made plans of all the ways I’d ‘surprise’ him with a pregnancy announcement. This call was NOT part of our plan.’
“’Katie, is now an okay time to talk?’ It was our IVF coordinator. ‘Unfortunately, I don’t have very good news.’ I choked back tears, and thanked her. He had a total of 12 sperm. My husband hugged me and apologized. It was heartbreaking. Our doctor grabbed my hand. I looked at her in disbelief.”
‘Her husband and I kept it a secret. As she opened the door, her eyes welled with tears. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered in my ear. She was weak in my arms.’
“A month ago, my friend’s otherwise perfect pregnancy ended in a blood bath, and her saying goodbye to a lifeless version of her daughter. Her words, ‘She’s gone! My baby is gone!’ will forever ring in my head. Then, I received a text from her husband. ‘She’s not sleeping. Not eating. Please help me.’ So, I did just that. That’s just what friends do.”
‘Daniel may have trouble fathering children. He had a botched surgery when he was very young. As 18-year-olds, we didn’t grasp the seriousness of his male infertility. Then I realized something was wrong with me, too.’
“My husband’s counts had dropped to almost nothing. Six live sperm were found. Six! No six thousand. Just six. We got a letter in the mail. The yearly fee to keep his sperm frozen was due. It was hundreds of dollars. We had to make a decision about our future– right now. At 26 years old, I VOLUNTARILY had a hysterectomy. Then, we got the call.”
‘I heard a scream. The engine shut off. ‘Mommy, I’m scared!’ Her eyes were rolling to the back of her head. Time stops. I drop to my knees. ‘Lani, my baby girl! Please wake up!’
“She goes unconscious. My mother is holding her scalp to her head, screaming for a knife, towel, and scissors to cut her loose. My aunt is calling 911. Everyone is coming in and out of the room trying to figure out a plan. The world stops. I’m terrified to turn around.”
‘I asked her when vacation starts. ‘In a week. I’m DREADING it. I already lied to my church and said Nicholas was 5 so he could go to Vacation Bible School.’ This warmed my soul.’
“One of my girlfriends called. We’ve been friends for almost 20 years. We sugarcoat nothing. Summer is NOT amazing. And if you ask your kids, it’s BORING. These vacation snapshots are the best 5 minutes of the day. The other 23 hours and 55 minutes are a complete cesspool.”
‘Did you tell her about the drama at work?’ I noticed my husband get uncomfortable. ‘There is a rumor your husband is sleeping with a girl who works with us.’ He laughed.’
“The week after bringing my son home, I couldn’t get a hold of my husband. I had the urge to check his social media. There they were. Messages between him and a girl. He would tell her where to pick him up, where to meet. Most times were in the middle of the night when I had laid pregnant and asleep. ‘HE WAS LYING TO YOU!’”
‘I received a note from my brother. ‘Have you ever wanted to see a naked man?’ I was disgusted and appalled. ‘No! Why would you ask that?!’ He my best friend. Until he shattered that trust.’
“From the outside, I grew up in a great family. But there were dark secrets. My world fell apart at 13. I rustled awake, and my brother ran out of my room. Minutes later, he poked his head in. ‘Are you okay?’ I remember sitting at supper with him feeling so disgusted.”
‘Our birth mother had disappeared. It was alarming. I felt sick. It was very close to her delivery date. We anxiously awaited the call. This frightened me. We were in complete shock.’
“When we got the sonogram picture of the baby, it finally felt real. To see this tiny treasure inside of a tummy was so surreal. My husband and I were in contact with her weekly. Then, complete silence. My heart started pounding. It was like someone punched me in my stomach.”
‘He looks oddly pale,’ I said. I thought it was bad lighting. I felt him. Cold as ice. His father slammed the window shut. I couldn’t stop screaming!’
“Our truck had been broken into, so we packed up our son and went to a nearby shop. I took pictures of him sleeping in the car seat as we waited. That night, his father worked overnight. When he came home at 7 a.m., I heard him say the worst words you could ever hear.”
‘I had to wear a wig on my wedding day. ‘What’s going on?!’ my mom asked. ‘I don’t know,’ I lied. It was my dirty little secret. I was a prisoner of my own body, and I put myself there.’
“I had anxiety about what people would say to my son about my hair. Would he be teased because of me? I just couldn’t do that to him. I bought a wig and started an 18-year game of hide-my-hair. I couldn’t believe what I was doing to myself. Each day, I hoped no one caught me.”
‘After I delivered, my doctor handed me my girl. I did not see it. In all of my medical training, I could not tell. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. She was PERFECT.’
“I am a Southern girl and a doctor and I’m used to having it all together. I turned everyone away from the hospital that day, including my sister. I thought I had ruined our lives. I thought I had done something so terrible my husband and child were being punished.”
‘I woke with tired eyes, snappy replies. I had a mountain of laundry to start. ‘What if, for once, I wasn’t productive?’ I had this eager feeling. So, I did it. Disguised in active wear, I rented a five-dollar robe.’
“My husband and baby were gone. I shaved my leg fuzz, packed a bag, and drove to the fitness center. Now, don’t be fooled. I haven’t completely lost my mind and decided to partake in some sort of exercise. Let’s all calm down. No, no, no. This place has LOUNGERS, and ROBES, and a JACUZZI! Remember a jacuzzi?! Neither do I!”
‘The doctor said it so nonchalantly, ‘Your baby has this.’ I looked at my husband. ‘What’s that mean?’ We were not ready for this diagnosis. The tears poured out. How is this happening AGAIN?’
“We were pressured over and over. ‘Get an abortion. Your time is running out. You know there’s a deadline on these things. He’ll be just laying still forever.’ At every appointment, this is what we were told.”
‘I told a friend how excited I am for my daughter to see The Little Mermaid movie. I was so proud my daughter would see herself in Ariel, a beautiful Black princess.’
“My friend didn’t understand the big deal. She ‘doesn’t see color.’ She thinks it doesn’t matter what race or ethnicity characters are, because we are all ‘the same.’ Can I be honest? You. Are. Wrong.”
‘Your HUSBAND cleans?! Isn’t that your job?’ My jaw dropped. I could feel my blood boiling. Then, he proceeded to ask questions.’
“I invited my friend and her boyfriend over for a fun wine and painting night. ‘Where’s your son? Is your son asleep?’ he asked. I told him no, he was gone and under my husband’s supervision for the night. ‘WHAT? HE is gonna watch the baby? Why aren’t YOU watching him?’ I was LIVID.”
‘I had a great 4th of July. Except for the part where I almost died. I ate macaroni salad. I didn’t realize it was different, until I was SURE I tasted fish. Not just fish, but CRAB. I was convinced of it.’
“My ears started to burn. My lips tingled. My thoughts consumed me. My brain went into overdrive. The voice inside my head started panicking and screaming into my itchy ear, ‘That’s it, you’re gonna die.’ I had to act quickly before my throat closed and my hands seized. Then, I saw it. It took my breath away.”
‘I didn’t think twice about giving my 3-year-old popcorn. She was happily sitting when she began to cough and choke. Soon, she was wheezing. I knew this wasn’t normal. I should’ve trusted my gut.’
“I should’ve called an ambulance. I didn’t realize the seriousness of it. A few days went on and she had a terrible wheeze and was struggling to breathe. She couldn’t run, swim, or play. The doctor was frustrated with me and assured me if it was the popcorn, it wouldn’t be dangerous. Ignored my instincts.”
‘I held this dark secret. I remember thinking, ‘What the heck? Are people weird like me, too?’ Cruel kids would ask, ‘What are you doing? Why are you pulling out your hair?’ I’m done hiding.’
“When I was 8 years old, I vividly remember pulling out an eyelash as I sat in my mom’s car in the drive-thru. And you know what? I LIKED the feeling from it. It was oddly satisfying. I kept pulling them out until my eyelashes were bald. Then, my parents began to notice. They couldn’t accept I was doing this to myself.”
‘He went quiet. ‘You’re out with who?!’ he snarled. Surprised by his reaction, I laughed. His anger grew. ‘Tell him to go home. Tell him to leave. Now.’ This must be my mistake, I thought.’
“As an insecure 18-year-old, it felt great that this older, successful man liked me. When he asked me to be his girlfriend only two weeks later, I was all in. I was so charmed by him. When I went upstairs to gather my things, he followed, blocking the front door. ‘You’re not going anywhere.’ He wouldn’t move. He wouldn’t let me leave.”
‘You need to get over it,’ he said. ‘You’re being ridiculous.’ My boyfriend yelled at me in our Uber. He was so upset with me, and told me I was ‘too emotional.’ All I felt was fear.’
“We went out. I had too much to drink. I went to the bathroom and thought my current boyfriend was going to wait for me, but instead, I couldn’t find him after. Then all of a sudden, I saw a guy from my past. I was a victim of his, and I had a panic attack. I found my boyfriend. ‘We need to leave.’”
‘As I lay on the operating table, I heard the ONE word I dreaded. They wrapped him up, brought him over. I began to sob. ‘How can my heart be rejoicing and breaking at the same time?!’
“The room began spinning. I was thrilled to have my baby but terrified by the words used to describe him. Unlike his older brother’s birth, not one person came to see him. No flowers were delivered. No one knew what to say, so they said nothing. On that day, my life became defined by two words. Before and after.”
‘If I could flick a switch and turn it off, I would,’ my son said. We cried that night, sitting in a restaurant. When he later announced his engagement to a man, I came to a crossroad.’
“He knew I was a woman of faith and that there were plenty in the church who believed it was wrong, including the man I was married to. ‘Mom, I want you to open this.’ Soon after, I realized this was no choice.”
‘Are you pregnant? On drugs?!’ I abandoned my customer service post and collapsed into a chair. The edges of my vision darkened. I felt like I was drowning on dry land.’
“My high-school sweetheart cheated on me, then dumped me. My friends couldn’t cope with my ‘new normal’ and turned away. I didn’t want to be different. My body was thin, my face swollen. I looked like an alien. Minutes later, he pointed to a black hole of goo where my lungs should’ve been. I frantically tried to make it to the break room but blacked out.”