“I often joke about how tired I am.
About how I love my naps.
About how the dark under-eye circles are just my face now.
It’s funny because it’s true, and I know many can relate to those sentiments.
What I don’t share is the guilt I feel about being so freaking exhausted all the time.
I often berate myself inside my head and think, ‘Why ARE you so tired? What do you do all day?!’
On the surface, it looks like I should be well-rested.
I don’t have a full-time job outside the home.
Both my kids attend full days of school.
I have a partner who shares in the responsibilities.
But I am still so tired.
And I feel guilty when I take time to rest.
I feel lazy when I spend my few hours a week alone bingeing true crime on Netflix.
I feel worthless on the days I am home and I only accomplish one chore (or not) on my to-do list.
My house is never spotless and there is always laundry to do, and I often feel inadequate.
I think about what certain people might be saying behind my back when I ‘complain’ about my tiredness online.
I can hear them telling me I should be grateful that I don’t have to commute to a 9-5 job every day and that they wish they could have it as easy as I do.
That being a stay-at-home mom is the dream.
I feel their judging eyes scanning my Facebook posts before I even hit publish.
This makes me second-guess myself and feel even worse.
Then today happened.
Today was a ‘doctor day’ for my daughter.
Nothing monumental, but it was her second in the last week and we were out of the house for 6 hours between travel and appointment time.
I spent the hour plus car ride home in silence thinking about all the things as my daughter slept in the back seat.
As I went over the details of the day in my mind, I realized why I’m always so exhausted.
I realized it’s from this massive weight of motherhood I carry with me each day, as all mothers do.
But also, it’s the weight of the next doctor appointment.
It’s the weight of new diagnoses added to our plate.
It’s the weight of remembering which specialist follow-up is due in which month at which hospital.
It’s the weight of keeping straight what each of my daughter’s many specialists said the last time we spoke.
It’s the weight of
am I doing enough for her,
what more should I be doing, and
why do I feel so alone while I am doing it all?
So, yes, there are quiet days when I have ‘nothing to do.’
But today I realized that this weight is what’s getting to me even on days when I think I have put it down.
It’s always with me.
To all the parents who get it, thank you for understanding me.
I understand you, too.
There is a good reason why you are tired, and I will never judge you for resting.”
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