“Today left me feeling like I’m not sure if I want to drink, do drugs, or run away to a tropical island and tan my whiteness.
None of those were an option at the moment though, so instead I cried.
The tears poured out quicker than I could stop them. The whole school pick-up line saw me. I am the parent who was 10 minutes late to school, with an aura migraine, on her son’s third day. I am the parent who parked in the no-standing zone-twice- and blocked a whole bunch of cars, despite being instructed never to park there again.
Today I looked at my body in the mirror and saw a large fat gut that resembled 10 months pregnancy. There’s no self-love positivity from me today. I don’t like what I see… and it’s probably because of the binge eating I’ve been doing every night from wanting to control something in my life and also because of unbearable tiredness.
I’ve hit the bottom of the roller coaster and my engine has conked out and been dragged up by a sloth. In other words, I’m so burnt out that I’m crispy. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I can’t juggle any balls, not even my husbands. I’m fatter than ever, my skin looks like a nuclear war, my kids are driving me crazy, and my health is in decline. I see my doctor and complain how I’m exhausted and depressed and he suggested that I find time for myself and try to commit to a good diet and regular exercise.
I am bad at work, I’m fighting with my husband constantly, and some friends complain I’m treating them like debt collectors because I don’t respond quick enough to their messages. I haven’t even responded to the lady who does my nails after rescheduling twice because something comes up.
I’m not done, living paycheck to paycheck, falling behind in my cleaning, responsibilities and life. Feeling isolated, alone, and lonely but too damn tired to socialize.
And I want to freaking scream, (like Shannon Knoll) ‘What about me???’
It isn’t fair. I’ve had enough…
So there I was that day in the school pick-up line, with all three kids in the back screaming while I did the drive of shame crying like Kim Kardashian.
I took them to McDonald’s, and was told how to parent by someone with a backhanded compliment at the McDonald’s playground today. No doubt the granny underwear sticking out of my jeans and my greasy hair made it look like I didn’t have my crap together. I just wanted to tell this mother that I’ve been wanting to wash my hair for four days and I’m ready to lay on the floor of the playground in the fetal position and cry.
Yes, I’ll do a little positive end twist and say how my kids were super cute eating soft serve ice creams. They still managed to make me laugh that day, and it was even entertaining when James threw a tantrum as we left. I love them, with all my bleeding heart. I may complain about my life, but I’m still grateful and appreciative for what I’ve got. It’s my circus and monkeys and no one is a better ringleader than me!
Sometimes motherhood and life in general is a plain ol’ b*tch, and the same people who drive us crazy are the same people that complete our lives. I think it’s good that to release what you’re feeling sometimes, even if that means sobbing in the school pick-up line.
Although we see the highlights reel on social media, it’s just that. Highlights. After all, we are all losing our crap, some more days than others.
And that’s okay.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Laura Mazza, where it originally appeared. Follow Laura on Instagram here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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