“Nothing can excuse my behavior or my actions over the last several weeks. Nothing can or should justify why I engaged in a virtual online affair with someone else while being with you. It started after several years of on and off desperation and depression on my own self-worth, but it never meant anything. I am truly appalled that I did this and am mortified by my disgusting behavior.
When we met, I was very scared of intimacy due to the fact that I had been sexually and physically assaulted at 8 years old and then again in my late teens, to which I still carry a physical scar.
I wanted to get married, to a man who would be mine and I could trust and who would love me. All of me. I met you and I fell in love with you so quickly and I felt things I had never felt.
When we started getting closer to being engaged and then married, our problems started. You would punish me by ignoring me, verbally abusing and threatening to leave me, and I would bend, flex, and beg you not to, and did everything exactly how you wanted. I wanted to be perfect for you.
When we got married our problems continued, and there would be times when you would swear at me, threaten me, tell me you hate me, and then say sorry, to have sex with me — one-sided sex — and then immediately after be back to hating me again.
I would beg you to forgive me for all the mistakes I made, but you would report them to your family and then be angry on and off at me. You kept me from my family and extended relatives, and whenever I did go to my parents, you would hate me on my return
I decided to try everything in my power to make you love me. I thought if we had babies together, you would love me.
I wasn’t good at cooking — I learned.
I was too fat — I lost all the weight, even after having kids.
I was too involved in my family — I cut them all out.
I wasn’t earning due to raising kids — I got an online job to try and earn something.
I won over your whole extended family with devotion and commitment.
But you still didn’t love me. You hated any romance or sentimental things.
At the end of December 2019, a day after Christmas, you got angry with me and told me you wanted a divorce. I cried so much, that our marriage was over because we had agreed we wouldn’t say it unless it was meant.
When you came to me and asked me when I would leave, I asked for a few hours so I could finish cooking the kids their food, pack, and then I would go to town.
That afternoon you told me not to go, and I didn’t. But I was raw and broken inside. I finally accepted that there was nothing I could do to make you love me.
It’s here, in this moment, that I broke and made the worst decision in my life. And it was all a huge mistake.
I wanted to be the fun, sexy, bubbly girl you wanted, but I felt like she was gone. From the few times of being afraid of you physically hurting me, I also began to hate myself more and more. Hating my body, my personality, and my inability to be loved.
As I have explained it was virtual, emotional but that’s it. It was bad and I wish I had never done any of it, and everything that’s happened before it does not mean I should have done that. I am not justifying my actions. I am explaining what led me to do it and why it meant nothing to me.
I wanted to be able to talk romantically with you and not doubt my ability to be sexy or lovey-dovey without it being rejected, hated, or unwanted. So I made the stupidest and worst decision in my life. I wish so much that I hadn’t done it to God, for His forgiveness and for you to forgive me. I am in the wrong. But I will never ever do anything remotely close to what I did.
I regret that I lied, hid, and cheated. I hate that I continued it even though I felt guilty and horrible about it. I hate what’s happened and I hate myself more from it.
I beg you with all my heart that I am sorry, to forgive me, to reconcile our relationship our friendship and our marriage, for all the good times we have had, for our children, for everything good you have done for me, and everything good I have done for you.
Let’s wipe out all the negative, hurt, bad things that have happened, and rekindle our marriage. I know that there’s a long journey of recovery, and I will do everything I can to prove myself to you, but let’s start. Let’s start again before it’s too late to do it.
I am so sorry for what I have done and will always be. I will never lie, betray, or cheat ever again.
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by M.M. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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