‘It’s normal to not be ‘in love’ with your husband forever. That’s not really love, anyway.’: Woman reminds that ‘love isn’t a chore. We choose each other, in spite of it all’

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“Relationships, when you have little kids, are really hard, you guys. Really hard.

This is the hardest I’ve ever struggled in my relationship before.

I read the first year of having a child is when relationships end and couples argue up to 7 times a day. I’m sure that’s not true. It must be closer to 17.

I mean, kids are some real c*ck blockers. My husband and I tried to have a desperate date night because we have been on thin ice. My night ended up having to console a tantrum because I was done singing ‘happy birthday’ for candles I lit to strike the mood.

But it’s more than that. All the things that didn’t irritate you about someone start to really irritate you. There are arguments about sex. Arguments about who is more sleep-deprived. Eventually… there are no arguments at all because your communication becomes dead.

That shi*t hurts. It hurts more than anything.

You miss the passion, the spontaneity, the attention, the desire… did I mention the attention? I like attention.

We broke up and called it quits. It hasn’t been the first time, but this time, it was almost for real and it made me question whether I was ready to give up the last 7 years.

Then a friend of mine said something to me that clicked in my brain. She said, ‘Marriage is a choice you make every day. Not a state you find yourself in.’

You can interpret that any way you want but for me, it was like, I don’t have to be in it. It shouldn’t be a chore. It should be something you’re in because you want to be.

Being ‘in love’ every day is impossible. We both fall in and out of love all the time because life is hard work. Daily pressure is hard work, finding a connection in all that is hard work. Hearing them snore… is hard work.

It’s normal to not be ‘in love’ with your husband forever. That’s not really love, anyway. That’s infatuation. Love evolves. It changes and gets really deep, which sometimes gets really ugly.

Sometimes love has felt like a chore. But you know, sometimes loving me is a chore too.

Every time we fight, a little bit of love chips away. It makes it hard.

To me, love isn’t ‘if’ or ‘because.’ Love is ‘even though’ and ‘in spite of.’

Even though it chips away, I know deep down in my soul, I love him and he loves me.

Because I’ll wash his laundry and he will wash mine. Because I’ll buy him orange chocolate because I know it’s his favorite. Because he will buy both pairs — when I send him two pictures of different earrings I like. Because he will let me sleep a little bit and get up with the kids. Because we will both message each other on the way home from being out asking if the other wants McDonald’s.

Because even when we fight, we choose each other again and again. We choose each other, in spite of it all.

I learned to accept relationships with little kids are hard, really hard, for everyone. And that’s okay. Even though it’s hard and in spite of all its flaws, it’s just not worth blowing out all the candles just yet.”

Courtesy Laura Mazza

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Laura Mazza, where it originally appeared. Follow Laura on Instagram here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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