This story is a follow up story to Allison’s Partial Molar Pregnancy story. Read the full back story here.
I can think of a lot of things that used to scare me as a child. They all seem so silly now. Clowns. Spiders. Bad dreams. Big dogs. Dying. Typical things. As an adult, I think I can narrow my fears down to 3 things.
-Losing my husband
-Losing my children
-My children having to grow up without me
One of my greatest fears came true on August 27. I have struggled to find the words on how to describe that pain, but I’ll do my very best to clue you in. Initially, I just couldn’t breathe. My ears would get hot and my eyes would get puffy when I thought of her being gone. This happened because I was trying to force those feelings back down, so my family did not see them. I would get in the shower, turn the fan on, and stifle a scream so deep that my body would tense up to the extent that my toes would curl. Like my soul was going to jump right out of my body and chase her to Heaven. When I finally let out that scream, it didn’t sound like it came from my body. It wasn’t Earthly. It was very specific, and I pray I never have to do that again. I felt like a child. I wanted my Mother, desperately. I wanted my Mamaw. I wanted my Dad. I wanted anyone who was ‘safe’ to me as a young girl. I wanted one of them to scoop me up, hold me like a child, and make all of it just go away.
Do you want to know what other fear came with losing Paxton? The feeling of God abandoning me. Like he singled me out based on one of my biggest fears, and said ‘You know what? Let’s ruin Allison’s life today.’ How could someone who says He loves me so much, do this to me? Why would He give me such a precious gift only to take her right back? It’s not fair. I screamed. I felt lost and left behind. I abandoned Him.
There. I said it. I shut Him out of my life. I couldn’t take any more pain.
As if taking Paxton away from me wasn’t enough, que the cancer risk. WHAT!? I screamed again. Another one of my biggest fears has the possibility of coming true. My children having to grow up without me. I didn’t even know you could get cancer from a pregnancy. I had fear, anger, and anxiety all running through my body at the same time. ‘God doesn’t care. He is the one doing this to you.’ Que alcohol.
Every night after my kids went to bed, I opened the bottles of whiskey. I walked in the weekend after my surgery with a bottle of Fireball. Jacob asked me ‘Is this going to be a problem?’ I asked him why he asked me that. He’s seen me drink before. ‘Because you never buy alcohol to bring home. You only order drinks, not bottles.’ He saw the problem, but I told him there wasn’t one. There wasn’t one. I drank a few days, and slowly fell off. I didn’t like the path I was headed down, and I didn’t want to solidify my kids growing up without a mother.
There are still nights where I wake up in cold sweats. There are nights I’ve woken myself up screaming/crying. There are days that my anxiety consumes me. Especially the days leading into blood draws. It’s like reliving losing Paxton all over again. A literal never-ending nightmare. Hoping my draws are negative. Hoping there is no plateau or no rise. Hoping I don’t need another surgery. Hoping I don’t need chemo. Hope… almost feels like a bullcrap lie someone made up just to keep someone going.
I found two groups on Facebook about molar pregnancies. There has been so much healing a validation that has come from the families in them. They understand. I needed understanding. Some women are in the thick of treatments, some are waiting to be cleared to try again, and some have been released and are having their rainbow babies. Ah, hope. There you are.
My story made its way to the platform Love What Matters. They have almost 8 MILLION followers. 8 MILLION. Molar pregnancies were exposed to MILLIONS of people. This was amazing for me because no one I knew had ever even heard of a molar pregnancy. Now MILLIONS do. I found hope here.
My very dear friend Hanna has seriously been an amazing source of energy for me. She validates my feelings. She tells me my story will help others. She tells me that God is using my painful journey to bring people together, and to bring awareness. I love her heart. She gives me hope.
What if God is using me? What if He used Paxton for this mission? He knew exactly how long Paxton was meant to be on this Earth. Is He using her to bring more awareness and possibly research on such a rare and unknown medical condition?
It just leaves the question of ‘Why?’ for me. I’ll never understand. I don’t think this pain is ever going to leave me. I don’t think I will ever be able to take a deep breath again. Life is amazing. Is He throwing these writers, platforms, and people in my way to give me hope and healing? Is He working some narrative that I am not aware of yet? I’ll have so many questions when I get to Heaven, but I can promise you that every single one of them will wait until I get my girl in my arms.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Allison Lemons, 26, of Erlanger, Kentucky. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTubefor our best videos.
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