“‘My hope does not belong in the outcome that I desire, my hope comes from the Creator.’ My hope has a name and its name is Jesus.
Our infertility journey started 1,047 days ago. We started trying to conceive just like your average couple, thinking after being married two years we would start having children. Each two years apart. Here we are, three years later, in the deepest waters with no children and never been closer to the Lord. We have watched nearly all of our friends move on and start families of their own, some with multiple children, all while we try to have one miracle. When our journey started three years ago, we tried for 6 months before my OB referred my husband to a urologist to check his sperm count because we knew he had low testosterone. We found out in May of 2019 that his count was at 0, but thankfully we were told with added medication it should be at a place where we could conceive naturally in no time.
Looking back at that appointment, when we received the sperm count analysis I think it would be expected for us to be devastated, but I felt God had more for us. So often in this journey the man gets overlooked because males and females handle infertility so differently, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t pain on both sides. Did you know couples going through infertility are three times more likely to get a divorce? I strongly believe in praying and processing. My husband and I have had many conversations, some where we weren’t on the same page and some where we were, but God moved mountains and looking back at where we were, even this time last year, I’ve seen God work miracles. We are better at communicating, we have been welcomed in community and we have made new friends who are walking alongside us.
Six months later in November of 2019, the sperm analysis was where it needed to be. My gut feeling told me we still had a long road ahead of us; looking back I know God was piecing together the details of my story. Covid came pouring down in March of 2020 and I went to my OB again in May of 2020. Keep in mind because of Covid a year and a half ago and Covid still going on now, Chris and I have never once been to an appointment together. Infertility warriors walking through this during Covid are a different kind of strong.
It was at this time I reached out and joined a faith-based infertility support group. All of my friends were getting pregnant and that moment hit where it feels like the world is passing you by and you are standing still. I started to feel the weight of bitterness set in. I joined the moms in the making group and quickly found although this is not a community women want to be a part of, it is one that has each other’s back and can relate like no one else. It’s a sisterhood.
At my appointment in May of 2020, my OB went down the list of tests we would do. She ran numerous tests on me, checked my fallopian tubes, my egg count, etc. and everything came back great. At this point she referred us to our Reproductive Endocrinologist. I had my consultation in September of 2021, where she performed more tests and diagnosed us with unexplained infertility. Oddly enough, I remember going to the appointment almost a year later from finding out the sperm analysis and almost 6 months later from his count being where it needed to be and praying I would feel at peace. I had no idea what I was about to walk into. When we got the diagnosis of unexplained infertility, I immediately felt at peace. Most women would tell you they want a diagnosis because they have answers, but for me, it washed over me immediately – it’s unexplained to doctors, but there’s no reason on paper why we can’t have children naturally. With it being unexplained, neither Chris or I felt the weight of having to carry a diagnosis and Jesus has the final say.
It was then she suggested we do 3 IUIs because we looked like the perfect candidates. We immediately felt peace with that. The number ‘3’ has meant something to me ever since. We did our first IUI in November of 2020. In between the first and the second IUI, God taught me so much. He taught me He was there by giving me the same song on the radio everyday in that two-week wait. Then the day after I found out it was negative, He gave me the exact Bible verse the song came from.
The very next week, my leader from my support group told me she was ready to step down, so it was then I started leading my own group while I was doing IUI number 2. Quickly I met 8 new women and we meet in my home every other Thursday. The reason I add this in my story is because that’s exactly what it is; a huge part of my story. We’ve had some hard conversations in our support group and lots of tears, but also lots of rejoicing. I never would’ve been able to lead these women had I not walked that road for the first year and a half which led me to join the group in the first place. A year ago I didn’t know these 8 women who now feel like sisters. Find you a community. We aren’t meant to go through trials alone. God is in every detail of my story and He’s in every detail of yours as well.
We did the second IUI in January of 2021 and the last IUI in March of 2021. I went out on that last negative and bought a faith purchase. A little girl and boy onesie. I’ve bought a lot of faith purchases throughout the last few years because where the devil tries to pull you down, God will use you in an even greater way if you let Him. It was then I started posting about our journey in great detail. Everyone knew we were going through infertility, but we chose not to share our IUIs while we were walking through it. I have journaled throughout this entire process and God continues to write our story for His glory.
April 1, 2021 we had our follow up with our RE to go over the next steps. I immediately told her we were open to all options including but not limited to another IUI with injectables, IVF, domestic adoption and embryo adoption. She suggested we move forward with IVF. I hung up the phone and tears streamed down my face. I can’t explain the weight I felt that day. Probably one of my hardest days I’ve experienced in this journey thus far. I knew what our doctor was going to say, but there’s nothing I could have done to prepare myself for the fact it was actually our reality. Have you ever wanted to get from point A to point B but the mountain seemed too high to climb? That was me at that very moment.
Every option gave me a pit in my stomach. So, I rested. I did not want to waste more time by resting, but I knew I couldn’t move forward with a decision until I was at 100% peace. My words for 2021 wer peace and rest. It was in this weighty moment and in the next heavy 5 months that God would call me to do exactly that. Rest and He would give me peace. I prayed for peace, for clarity, and for God to give me a sign. I had all of our community praying. Then one day I just knew – the Holy Spirit spoke to me. He gave me the clearest picture of where He was calling us in the Bible.
I said no to something that had been going on in my life and He immediately opened the door for His yes. He didn’t give me a billboard telling us what to do next, but He gave me peace, and that’s better than any billboard. There is no guarantee with any choice in your infertility journey, but I can guarantee you God has called me here. We have a photoshoot this weekend to announce our next step and a fundraiser. We have been in the trenches of the details for the last month or so. I firmly believe God has called us here. I believe with every fiber of my being where God guides, He provides. I know most people jump to the next thing because it more than likely equals getting closer to having a baby. I want that child just as much as the next person, but I want God’s peace more and I’m thankful He’s led us here.
Infertility is a form of suffering; it’s the longest form of suffering I’ve walked through in this life thus far. Most things you grieve and you go through the different stages of grief, but with infertility it is a lingering pain where you see no end in sight. I will never forget the day my prayers shifted from, ‘God, just give me a baby…I’m longing and praying for a baby’ to ‘God, align my heart with your will.’ From then on my heart posture changed. Still to this day I have the deepest desire to be a mom and that’s how I know God isn’t done writing my story. The longer I walk this road the more I desire the baby, but the longer I walk this road the closer I’ve gotten to Christ. I never knew a relationship with my Father could be this sweet in the middle of so much hurt. God only knows how many tears I shed in the last three years, but God is the only one who knows my story and not only does He know it, He’s writing it.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Alexis Inderbitzin of Celina, TX. You can follow her journey on Instagram and her blog. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
Read more stories like this here:
‘Her birth parents changed their minds.’ The call ripped us apart. ‘She’s coming to pick her up.’: Woman shares journey with infertility, adoption, foster care, urges ‘you will make it to the other side’
‘To the woman in Target, softly touching baby clothes with your fingertips, and walking away without buying anything… I see you.’: Woman battling infertility urges ‘my heart is with you’
‘I was declared infertile. ‘If we need to part ways, I get it.’ I thought for sure this was the end. Instead, my partner got down on one knee. ‘Will you marry me?’: Woman battling infertility thanks husband’s unrelenting kindness
‘You dig pregnancy tests out of the trash, just to make sure. You plan cute announcements, only for your period to show. You cry tears behind closed doors.’: Woman battling infertility says ‘I see you, I am you’
Do you know someone who could benefit from reading this? SHARE this story on Facebook with family and friends.