Rebecca Balfe is a former editor for Love What Matters. She resides in NYC, owning and rescuing adorable cats. She is an avid Lupus fighter and advocate.
‘The beds around me emptied and my eyes clouded with tears. I knew something was wrong. It felt like I was giving birth. I tried to muffle my cries.’
“My world seemed to be falling upside down. Human hands felt like knives. I pushed back, knowing something was not right. The doctors and nurses were completely puzzled.”
‘We were celebrating 3 years of marriage. I thought life couldn’t get better. Then, I got news no one wants to hear.’: Woman battling sarcoma cancer thanks husband for support, ‘It’s the most beautiful love I’ve ever known’
“Tears rolled down my face. I went to lie down again and the entire sequence replayed itself. I could hardly believe it. Just like that, we transitioned from ‘recently married’ to ‘patient and caregiver’ and there was no stopping it. We began writing funeral plans.”
‘I was out at a restaurant. ‘I’m not feeling well,’ I said. I knew something was wrong. Shaking, I excused myself and drove straight home. When I got back, my world crumbled around me.’
“I crawled to the bathroom. I couldn’t stand up without blacking out. I was paralyzed. I was supposed to be getting ready to go off to college with friends and I suddenly found myself unable to get out of bed. The wheelchair made others roll their eyes. ‘You don’t need that,’ they said. ‘Faker.’
‘I woke in such incredible pain. All I wanted to do was see our new baby. It’s hard to explain the first time you see your child this small. The first half hour I cried because I feared so much for his life.’
“My doctors took Dylan out as quickly as possible and focused on saving me. I had lost a 3rd of my blood and needed a hysterectomy. I had a 5 hour surgery after Dylan was whisked away to the NICU.”
‘My perfect baby girl was laying on my bare chest. I spoke lies to myself. ‘I’m fine.’ Everyone told me this was ‘part of being a new mom’ and ‘just a lack of sleep.’ This was not a phase.’
“Everything was so perfect. The possibility of anything being ‘wrong’ was just too much of a stretch. Stifling the tears, I clamped my eyelids shut. I had no idea that hours later I would be sitting on the floor, waiting to die.”
‘I was gay. I knew what would happen if I came out. Family, friends, church – all gone. So I lived blindly, losing more of who I was by the day. ‘: Gay dad describes fear of coming out to family
“She cried and brought out the Bible. She read passages aloud while sobbing. She truly believed I was going to hell and she fought tooth and nail to make sure her baby wasn’t going there.”
‘Before I got out of the car she took a picture of me. ‘In case I never get to see you again,’ she said. She started crying. I was so sick of making my mom cry.’: Man finally gets clean after heroin, meth, crack addiction
“I ended up at a nearby Jack in the Box where my mom was waiting for me. I had made plans with her to meet, but had no intention of actually going. I instantly got an overwhelming sensation. The hair on my arms stood up. I felt a warmth crawl up my spine, and tears flowed down cheeks. I felt hope.”
‘She could not have been more perfect. When she died unexpectedly 2 months later, I thought my heart stopped with hers.’
“Three months after my love proposed to me, I found a lump. I was told I was ‘lucky’ because I had the ‘good kind’ of cancer. It was a hugely insensitive thing to say. My friends were buying homes, getting promotions, having children – and I’m the ‘lucky’ one?”
‘I was in front of my mirror at age 13. ‘This is not your fault. I love you so much and I am still your daughter. I am sorry.’ I didn’t want my parents to blame themselves for how messed up I was inside.’
“After one day of exercise I walked into my bathroom and began removing my sports bra. I collapsed to the ground with debilitating chest pains. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t yell for help. I thought I was dying when I had finally found reason to live.”
‘I was extremely nervous to tell her. Without missing a beat she replied, ‘That doesn’t change anything for me. I want to be with you.’
“I was so afraid of being found out and hospitalized, I hid my feelings. After a half hour of awkward stuttering, I finally spit it out by saying I understood if she didn’t want to continue this relationship.”