“That year, many of our friends and family were struck by cancer. After he told me about this diagnosis, my dear neighbor said to me, ‘Jess, everyone asks me how long I have to live. Instead of answering their question, I ask, ‘How long do YOU have left to live?’ Tomorrow is never guaranteed.’ My husband and I pondered that question for hours that night. It became clear to us WE were not truly living.”
“She said, ‘Get a nurse in the room!’ I found the call button. We had waited so long to have Kane and to hold him and watch him grow. But all of it was gone, just gone!”
“Ever seen a woman who’s just been raped, just had a 3-hour forensic exam, had every surface of her battered body swabbed, photographed, and inventoried for the police walk out of a hospital wearing oversized hospital scrubs and postpartum hospital underwear, her arms wrapped tightly around her chest, ashamed, because she doesn’t have a bra to wear? I have. And I absolutely refuse to ever see it again.”
“‘Let’s not get our hopes up,’ I told my husband after the shock of the positive pregnancy settled in. He nodded in agreement. But then I received a very unexpected phone call. ‘Jeanette, do you want to be a mother?’ I realized what was about to happen and halted the conversation. ‘Wait!’ I shouted. ‘Can I three-way Zach onto this call?’ I quickly dialed him. Zach was in shock. I had not prepped him. The same week we miscarried our first child, our future son was conceived.”
“Riley was diagnosed with Autism when he was 2-years-old. He is non-verbal and has a lot of sensory issues. He doesn’t like loud noises, or bright lights, but what he does love is Christmas. Since he cannot speak, Riley has learned to sign ‘Riley is good’ and for the last few weeks has been telling everyone he meets he is a good boy. Santa showed up at his house to tell Riley he would go through the naughty and nice list with him.”
“I stood in the doorway of a restaurant as an old lady shuffled toward me. Her husband patiently held her as she repeatedly attempted to step. ‘She does great until she gets to a door. It’s Parkinson’s and it’s hard,’ her husband sweetly said.”
“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve answered, ‘How are you?,’ with a forced, fake, ‘Hanging in there!’ just to make the conversation easier. We hung her Christmas stocking on the mantle this year. I am painfully aware that on Christmas morning, that stocking will hang empty as the others burst with gifts. ‘Why me? Why our family?’ But for now, we honor her absence. I am finally ready.”
“‘His heart could be repaired,’ I thought. We could get past that, carry on. And then the doctor said, ‘This is very common with Down syndrome.’ That I didn’t want to hear. Surgery wasn’t going to fix that. I put it out of my mind. Our baby wasn’t going to have Down syndrome! Then the doctor said, ‘You have the option to terminate.’”
“I didn’t understand at the time, but he was triggering autistic meltdowns. He objectified me constantly and often talked publicly about my genitalia, how no man had ‘had me before.’ Months before my 20th birthday, I proudly displayed a photo of my brother in uniform on the TV, which was ‘too imposing.’ I immediately threw my belongings into a trash bag. It was like a light bulb went off in my head.”
“My face was red and my eyes were swollen from sobbing. When we were good, we were great. When we were bad, we were absolutely volatile. She dropped the inevitable bombshell. ‘Where do you think this is coming from?’ ‘What he put me through,’ I replied. ‘Deeper, Amber.’ It hit me. There was no miracle. Our marriage was over.”
