‘I’m tired of not fully accepting myself and living in the personality-altering fear of someone finding out.’: Dad comes out as bisexual after questioning his faith

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“This post has been a long time coming. I’m bisexual. If you care to know more…keep reading.

family hanging out together
Courtesy of Scott Tiernan

After Megan and I miscarried our first child, Doldrum Abel, in 2016, I began both my internal exploration to discover who I am—husband, father, son, brother, friend, etc.—and my external exploration focused on the world I want to raise my future children in. God has always played such a vital role in my identity. I was taught ‘your identity should be in Jesus, and if it is primarily anywhere else it’s wrong.’ To be honest, the more I learned about this belief, the more it didn’t make sense to me.

This ‘confusion’ was perhaps because I am an enneagram 4 (the individualist) or maybe because I saw (and continue to see) such beautiful, unique, and wonderful people who exude the nature and characteristics of God yet don’t subscribe to a traditional and organized religious group.

This began the deconstruction of my faith and my identity.

I could talk for a long time about that, but that is only the preface to where this story actually goes.

mom dad and son all together
Courtesy of Scott Tiernan

And to be honest, I would love nothing less than to write all the little things that have led me and my family to where we are, but you know what…I’m tired.

I’m tired of wondering why only boys are allowed to do some things and only girls are allowed other things.

I’m tired of questioning myself, from gaslighted moments, as to why I enjoy those things.

I’m tired of fearing why some parts of me won’t ever disappear no matter how many times I try to pray them away.

I’m tired of not shopping for clothes I like because I have this indoctrinated voice in my head saying it’s wrong and makes me less of a man if I do.

I’m tired of not fully accepting myself and living in the personality-altering fear EVERY. SINGLE. F***ING. DAY. Fear that someone else was going to find out I have queer thoughts.

Well.

family selfie
Courtesy of Scott Tiernan

Today, I’m walking in freedom and joy that who I fully am makes me the best version of me I can possibly be, and that is best not only for myself but for all the people I interact with. Today, I start living out the life I want my children to live, where there is no shame in loving the person you love and presenting yourself the way you truly are.

That the queerness in us all is the true beauty God instilled in each and every one of us. We are all different and unique and colorful and wonderfully made. Trying to force people to fit into societal norms that have been curated and changed and redefined generation after generation is to the detriment of the free and diversely harmonious world we can actually enjoy.

I’m queer, bisexual to be more precise, but actually pansexual (if we’re getting down to breaking down the binary), though I just go with queer.

This was confusing my whole life because I could justify not believing I was gay because I also felt the same way about girls. But as I got older, I realized bisexuality was an orientation that actually made sense to me.

family selfie in the snow
Courtesy of Scott Tiernan

But owning and finding pride in my sexuality has only further allowed me to be the true me in every other aspect of my life, and DAMN it is truly beautiful (and muuuuch more colorful).

Being honest with myself and with my astonishingly amazing and strong and supportive wife, Megan Tiernan, has only brought us closer than ever. I knew when I decided to tell her, she could leave me or reject me as I was used to by past hurts and childhood trauma. But just like me to myself, she asked questions and sought to understand. Coming out to my partner as queer in my 30s after having been part of a community for 10+ years that condemned such ‘identities’ and also being married on such ‘values’ required some processing. But through it all, she still knew me, the little Scottie inside that she fell in love with at Milli Joe, and I never changed, and she began to love me on a-whole-nother level!

And this is where the reconstruction of my faith and my identity began.

I’m writing this for many reasons, as you’ve probably picked up on a few, but one is for representation.

It is ABSO-FREAKIN-LUTELY possible to be in a happy, committed, satisfying, monogamous, long-term (life-term) relationship as a bisexual person.

This is what one, modern, queer family looks like.

If you have any questions feel free to ask…if I have the energy, I may respond. Like I said. I’m pretty tired. But I know there is a whole lot of work to be done and knowledge to be shared.

In the meantime, much love to you all.”

little girl being tossed in the air
Courtesy of Scott Tiernan

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Scott Tiernan from Staunton, VA. You can follow his journey on Instagram. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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