“I remember it like it was yesterday. My old friend had invited me over to his new apartment because he was having a get together. Quite honestly, I was hesitant to go because this particular friend drinks until his liver basically tells him to call it a night, and even then he ignores it.
Anyways, I ended up going that night. I’m on the patio chatting it up with a cute guy. We instantly clicked. It was strange; I never thought I’d feel that way again after many toxic relationships. But, I took a risk with this one. I got his contact info, and he was on his way.
We talked every day. For hours, even. Endless FaceTime calls, Snapchats back and forth. All of the above. We met up again after the party and, again, clicked.
We spent every day we could together. I met his parents, siblings, and best friends. He met mine as well. I thought, ‘Maybe things will work out with this guy. Just maybe.’
Everything changed on June 13, 2019. I started spotting out of nowhere. I checked my calendar – it had only been 21 days since the start of my last period. In that very second, I knew something was up. My period never started that early! Not only that, I had unbearable back and breast pain. I brushed it off and thought of it as PMS until, of course, the spotting.
I did some research on Google (bad idea, I know) and the only results that popped up were related to pregnancy. I then reached out to my friends who had children or were already sure they were pregnant. The majority of them said the same thing: ‘Take a test in the next 3 days to a week.’ So, I did.
June 16, 2019, was the day I never thought would come. The day I got a faint positive on my pregnancy test.
I couldn’t believe it. I stared at it for a half hour before putting it down and going to sleep. I mean, it was 2 a.m. and I was freaking myself out. I had to be at work in the morning!
I woke up four hours later, the test I had taken hours before still on my nightstand. My brain kept telling me, ‘Get another test! Get another one!! I caved in and walked to the store to buy another two boxes, one manual test, one digital. I got home, took them all, and they all had the same result: positive.
So many thoughts were going through my head. What was I going to do? Who could I confide in to tell? How would the father react? My first instinct was what it usually is: to call my older brother. While he probably wouldn’t be the happiest, he would also provide as much support as he could. He’s the only family member I know to trust.
My brother didn’t sound shocked, but I knew he was a bit dissatisfied with me. Regardless, he told me how much he loved me and said everything will be okay. Sadly, I believed him.
I later told D, the father. He didn’t believe a word I was saying. I sat through my entire shift at work just freaking out, the same questions running thorough my head. As soon as I was able to get off, I went to the clinic. They confirmed with a blood pregnancy test.
I showed D. The second he saw the papers, his entire perspective on me shifted. He called me names. Said I was never enough. Told me I’m too stupid to understand what was going on. Told me to get an abortion or he’d commit suicide. He treated me as his emotional punching bag.
Our relationship was never the same. He’d apologize, then call me names. He became finicky. Unreliable. Untrustworthy. But most of all, he was so cold. Due to my anxiety, he even caused me to have two meltdowns in a day.
Now at 6 weeks, with our relationship going on and off, he finally admitted his feelings. He said he never loved me, and never loved the fetus and never will. My heart shattered, but I couldn’t let the child I was babysitting see me drop to my knees and cry, so I had to put him down for a nap in order to do so.
I cried and cried. I sulked until I could bring myself to let out more tears. How am I supposed to raise a child alone But then I remembered something.
My mom raised both my brother and I on her own! What makes people think I can’t? And why am I sitting here letting some guy take away my happiness and confidence in my own abilities?
So, here I am at almost 7 weeks. Even though I’ve never experienced more disrespect in my life than during this past month, I’m still going through with my pregnancy. I will still love my child just as much, and will teach them that a fatherless child isn’t a worthless child. While it may be something that both he and I helped create, if he wants to miss out than he can go right ahead. Once a person has made up their mind, you can’t change them. If he doesn’t want us, we don’t want him. I only want wants best for my child.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Salema S. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.
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