“Another positive pregnancy test pops up on Facebook. Except it’s not mine. Another gender reveal on Instagram. Except it’s not mine. Another announcement from a friend. All of these things are so gut-wrenching. You are so happy for all of these people, whether they are your very best friend or an acquaintance on social media but hold back every tear with all that’s in you and once again feel defeat. Another ‘it’ll happen when it’s supposed to’ should’ve been over a year ago now. People all around you talking about pregnancies and that season in their life, a season you so desperately want so you try to change the subject or you stay quiet hoping they’ll get the hint.
Are you alone in this fight? Absolutely not. Does it feel like you are? Absolutely yes. Drained. Exhausted. Not knowing what your next step will be. Do you try with every ounce of faith in you to keep the faith praying day after day for something that seems so distant or have you already drowned in the loss of hope?
To you, this might seem so far off you can’t relate. To me, this is reality.
THIS IS INFERTILITY.
There are so many people who have no idea what infertility is. I have had people ask me, ‘So what makes y’all have infertility?’ ‘What’s the issue?’ ‘Okay, so now this issue is fixed, do you not have infertility anymore?’ At first, I would get so irritated no one understood, and then I realized God has given me the perfect opportunity to educate people. One of my very best friends reminded me just as I can’t truly understand what it’s like to lose a parent or go through some other life’s struggles, they can’t understand what it’s like to walk this road. Just like I had been there for them the best way I knew how, they would always be there for me. Y’all, that’s all I needed to hear. First of all, what an amazing reminder of the God-fearing friends I have but second of all, I should channel that energy to educate others.
Infertility is defined as, ‘the inability to become pregnant after one year of trying without using any kind of contraceptives.’ That’s straight out of Wikipedia. There are so many couples who have no diagnosis on paper but are struggling with infertility; couples who had a diagnosis and got solutions but still are struggling; couples who have done IUI, IVF, adopting, have done nothing at all and are waiting on God to tell them what to do next. Infertility comes in so many different ways.
I’m being completely raw with this post. Why? Because I have nothing to hide. In fact, as time has gone on, I have met some of the most amazing women via social media going through this exact same journey. Not everyone wants to share but I strongly believe God has put us on this road so I can share. That’s not to say I am going to put every detail of our story out there because there are some things that need to be held safe. I also think it is imperative people realize how difficult walking through infertility is and not just for the woman. No journey can be compared to another. People walk through all sorts of battles and my heart goes out to them. Whatever battle you are facing, I can only imagine what that feels like. For me, this is my current battle. It has been my battle for 500 and some-odd days. Test after test, to the point where I want to quit taking them. Ovulation sticks that seem to just be a waste of money. Do not get me started on the scheduled sex, that is always a blast.
How many times have I mentioned the Joy and Infertility podcast? More than I can count, I know that! But God has put that in my life and it has opened so many doors! Is that the amazing thing about God? Even in the midst of trials, He continues to open doors, one of those doors being a local infertility group. I was listening about a month ago and the girl who was on the podcast mentioned a group she led called ‘Moms in the Making.’ I finished listening to the podcast and looked it up to find out it originated here in Dallas back in 2015 by a mom who started it in her home. In 2018, groups were formed all over the United States. I wanted to reach out but took a few days to pray about it and knew God was calling me to go for it. After speaking to one of the leaders and finding out they have one right next to where we are moving, I knew I needed to join this small group of seven women also walking through this journey. I had my first meeting two weeks ago but we meet every other week and do a Bible study as well. I can’t wait to get to know these women on a deeper level. I felt I was getting angry with others for not understanding and envious of those who had what I did not AND THEN God swept in and reminded me through these women, Satan will feed me lies but God feeds me His promises. God fills me up with the truth. Who knows, maybe one day I will be one of those leaders.
All of that leads me to this week. Yesterday, I had my appointment with my OBGYN. You know, that dreaded office visit I was told we would have if we still weren’t pregnant a year ago. Don’t get me wrong, A LOT has happened in this last year and we have made major progress from May of 2019 to November 2019. So much progress was made, we were told we should be pregnant by May of 2020. Here we are though, on May 20, 2020, and as I walked out of the doctor’s office, I felt a weight was lifted. I thought I would walk out and feel so defeated BUT by the grace of God and the army that has been praying for me, I felt at peace with whatever it is to come. We have made progress in the last year but are brought back to what feels like square one. We are now faced with yet another ‘next step.’ It’s such a weird feeling. Time seems to stand still but at the same time, you see the world still going on around you. I made a promise to God I would not give up and I would trust Him. He was my hope and He still is. I have prayed for clarity and to guide us in a different direction if for some reason He does not see me as a mom but I can confidently say my desire has gotten even stronger.
I’m not sure what these next steps will look like. I mean, I see them on paper right in front of me but I have no idea how going through the process is going to make me feel. Right now, I’m soaking in the peace I strongly believe only comes from the Holy Spirit. My prayer life and connection to God has carried me through so many of these rough times and I don’t want to share every detail of our story until and if I feel God confidently calling me to do that. There are so many roads to motherhood. As much as I have wished, prayed, cried, and dreamed of being a mom, I have never once prayed for that if that was not God’s will. My prayer is still the same. I want what God wants for my life because He sent His son to die on the cross for my sins, He knit me in my mother’s womb, He saw what this road was going to be like, He knew He would have to pick me up on my hardest days and He still is the same God He has always been. I don’t want people to read this and it sounds like a pity blog post or feel the need to walk on eggshells around me. I want people to read this and see the raw, honest feelings, my feelings towards infertility. I also want people to see faith and hope because that has not been lost. I have had my days that are harder than others but my faith and hope in Jesus Christ continue to grow and for that, I am so incredibly grateful!
I have many verses and many songs that have spoken to me during this journey but if you are walking through this journey yourself I do have a few that I’ve memorized so that I can constantly replace the devils lies with God’s promises and I encourage you to do the same. Every day for the past few months I have been praying this exact same prayer, ‘Lord, please align the desires of our hearts with your will and if they don’t align, please change the desires of our hearts so they will!’ If you would like to join in praying for us, we would love prayers for God’s peace at every single appointment, the best possible outcome, clarity on our next steps as well as continuing to embrace this season, with or without children.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Alexis Inderbitzin. This post originally appeared here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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