‘I’m sorry I was so difficult.’ I grabbed his hand. ‘It wasn’t your fault.’ He hung his head. ‘Yes ma’am.’: Adopted son apologies for his trauma-fueled behavior, ‘He doesn’t see how brave he is’

“I always knew I would adopt one day, but my journey through adoption has looked nothing like what I imagined it would. Nothing at all. If I knew what was ahead, that girl I was back there would’ve never been brave enough to choose this.

I’m not going to lie, those first days with my boy were brutal, grueling, so messy, so scary, and complicated beyond what I could have ever imagined. I cried every day for months. I questioned myself and God every day if I could do this forever. And if I’m being completely honest, I’m still full of questions.

I vividly remember calling all of my people on day two, letting them know this just simply wasn’t for me. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to figure it out. I didn’t want to fight through. It was too much. And then night would fall and every single night, sometimes in the most tangible ways, God would remind me he was right there. There he was; in the fire with me. He hadn’t abandoned me. This was his plan. I just needed to trust him.

So, I pressed in and pushed through all the difficult days with my boy. There were far more hard days than good days. Hours of sitting through therapy sessions. Teacher conferences. Calling my people every day for weeks and months to say, ‘I quit.’ Crying. Crying. And crying some more.

But here we are. Crossing that 3-year mark. He brings SO much life, love, hope, laughter, truckloads of grace, and infinite perspective to my days. He’s so kind. He sees needs and meets them without ever being asked. He’s sacrificial, sometimes in ways I simply do not understand. He loves with his whole heart and would give anything to make sure his people know they are loved and valued.

It was just he and I in the car recently when he shared with me that he found his old journal and he threw it away because it made him sad to see who he was when he came to me.

‘I’m so sorry I was so difficult,’ he started apologizing a hundred times over.

Both of our eyes filled with tears. I reached over to grab his hand and told him, ‘You didn’t know son. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know how to trust me. You didn’t know how to love and be loved. Your trauma ran deep. Don’t apologize. I never want to forget that boy back there because it’s a reminder of God’s grace in our lives and it tells the story of how brave you are and how far you have come.’

‘Yes ma’am,’ he said as he hung his head because if I had to guess, those things don’t feel very true to him.

Abuse and deep trauma strips people of their dignity, value, and worth leaving them ripped open believing it was all their fault and that they will never be worthy to be fully loved and fully known just the way they are. Oh but my gosh, I believe those are the ones most worthy.

Not knowing what I need, he always brings the best perspective right when I need it. And he slayed my heart recently at the dinner table when he thanked me for dinner on a random Tuesday night.

‘I’ve been thinking a lot about all the nights I went to bed hungry. I’m just so thankful to know I will have a meal each night,’ he said.

I couldn’t even lift my head to look him in the eyes. I just kept my head hung low and tears streamed down my face. He became worried he had said something wrong.

‘No, no, son. You just don’t understand that who you are and the way you live your life has taught me to trust that no matter how hopeless things seem, my rescue is always coming. It’s never delayed. It’s always on time. Son, you’ve taught me that with God, things seem impossible until they aren’t.’

Again, all he could muster was a ‘yes ma’am,’ because he doesn’t quite see what I see. He doesn’t quite see how brave and strong and how important his life is to this world and to me.

My boy went to bed many, many nights not ever knowing when his rescue meal might show up. And I wonder how many of us are going to bed tonight wondering when our rescue will come. When God will show up and do what you’ve been begging Him to do. Here’s what I know… God has not forgotten you. He has not abandoned you. Just hold tight to the truth that you’re not alone in those waters that feel like might drown you. There is another in that fire with you. I don’t know when your rescue will come. I don’t know when the impossible will happen. But what I do know is that it will. It will come. It probably just won’t look like what you thought it would.

That thing that’s making you fall apart might just be the thing that one day holds you together.

How do I know?

Because this boy made me fall apart and right now, he is what is holding me together.”

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Amy Pollard of Gulfport, Mississippi. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

Read Amy’s heartwarming adoption backstory:

‘Momma, can you please call the judge? He’s moving too slow. Does he know I need you to be my momma? I’ll tell him. I need to be adopted. I can’t wait anymore.’ My boys waited 3 long years.’