“Well there were rumors of the military extending the travel ban and it came down today that it was indeed being extended. It is crazy that something that is there to keep our soldiers safe is hurting us at the same time. Don’t get me wrong I would rather him be safe and stay put like the rest of the world, but I won’t apologize for hating every minute of him not being able to come home.
To say I feel defeated is an understatement. The amount of emotions I have are literally unreal. I am not sure I have ever felt this amount of anger, frustration and sadness at the same time. I have no patience left and I barely have a care in the world. I know things could be worse. I know I chose this life. I know I need to look at the positives. I know it could be freaking worse. I know! But, none of that changes a damn way I feel.
I know I’m lucky in many many ways. But I will not apologize for all my feelings. I will not apologize for loving my husband as much as I do. I will not apologize for crying over him. I will not apologize for missing him. I will not apologize for feeling some sort of way and letting the world know how I feel. I will not apologize for sounding selfish and wanting my husband home.
The amount of frustration I feel is honestly ridiculous but damn I can’t help feeling this way.
Out of all the awful things going on, seeing my husband was the one thing I looked forward to. Each month I marked each day off with a colored marker and when the month was done, I would share it on my Facebook to show it off.
It was also the one thing our daughter looked forward to after having prom and most likely graduation ripped away from her.
I’m so jealous of everyone that has their spouse with them to fight the crazy amount of fear and anxiety that goes along with this crazy pandemic. I wish so much my husband was here to drive me crazy, to poke fun at me and to help me through this when I feel at my lowest.
People think military is some glorified life but it’s not. We are just real people trying to get through every day like everyone else. I see a ton of military spouses right now that feel beyond defeated and it is so sad. They secretly cry, vent and scream on the private Facebook pages because they feel like people don’t understand.
I know we are all in this together. This pandemic isn’t singling out the military or anyone for that matter. Everyone handles their battles differently and it just so happens we all feel some sort of way with this virus and not one person feels good about it.
Please understand I am not saying I have it worse, as a matter of fact I know I am still lucky and blessed even with this pandemic. I know I will get through it and life will go on. My friends tell me they love me, they are here for me and that I am strong, and I got this. The thing is I do got this. I am strong. But today I just want to be sad and that is okay.
Again, I will not apologize for loving and missing my husband as much as I do. I will not apologize for sharing my feelings about him to the world.”
This is an exclusive story to Love What Matters. For permission to use, email Exclusive@LoveWhatMatters.com.
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Mary Scott, 36, of Horseheads, New York. Follow her journey on Instagram here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
Read more stories from Mary here:
‘The dreaded texts started coming in from my friends and their husbands about that Zoom call. My anxiety was through the roof.’: Woman says ‘don’t allow yourself to sink, rely on the people who love you’
‘You chose this. You knew what you were getting into.’ I don’t judge or criticize you.’: Wife recounts the raw reality of being a military spouse, ‘I knew I loved him and wasn’t going to walk away’
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