“She lost her daddy to suicide a year ago now and it hasn’t gotten easier and it isn’t getting better.
She doesn’t understand yet.
She has been having a lot of moments lately, she has been crying over the smallest of things, slamming doors and yelling at me and her sisters telling us she hates us.
She doesn’t understand yet.
She asks me to look at his photos I have kept on my phone most mornings and some days it makes her happy and I watch as her eyes light up and a huge smile creeps across her face and I know that day will be a good day.
Other days she snuggles into me and tells me she doesn’t remember her daddy and asks me to tell her stories to each one of the pictures, tears roll down her cheeks and she sobs and sobs hard. I know these days will not be so good.
She doesn’t understand yet.
She watches tv and I can see her little brain working overtime, I know her inquisitive mind is trying to process what is happening and then she asks me why movie characters can die and then be ok again, can daddy be ok again?
She doesn’t understand yet.
She sees me cry when she is feeling heartbroken, she knows I get sad when she is sad and then thinks it is her fault, she asks if she upset me as she wipes away my tears and I tell her that she makes mommy the happiest mommy in the entire world.
I can’t tell her that I am angry at the world, I am angry that this happened to her and I am angry that I am powerless to mend her tiny broken heart.
She doesn’t understand yet.
She doesn’t understand why she has these feelings and outbursts and often cries and asks why she is so sad in her heart.
She has been dreaming of her daddy lately, she wakes herself up by calling him out for him and all I can do is hold her as she cries herself back to sleep whispering that I will never leave her even though I know that I shouldn’t make that promise to her but her fear of me leaving her consumed her some days.
She doesn’t understand yet.
She misses him and talks about when she dies, she can be a star with him. She cries and asks how long it will be before we all die so we can be a family of stars with her daddy because she longs for our family to be together again.
She doesn’t understand yet.
She tells anyone who she meets that her daddy died and is a star now, she tells her friends, her teachers, my friends and family and even strangers we meet all about her daddy dying, they usually don’t know what to say.
They look afraid to respond; they look sad for not knowing how to ease this little girl’s pain and embarrassed how forthcoming she is with such delicate information, so I answer for them. I will not silence her.
She doesn’t understand yet.
She asks me why HER daddy had to die, why did he have to leave her, but other daddies don’t leave her friends?
I tell her that daddy was so sick for so long, but he fought as long as he could, he fought really hard, but he could no longer fight.
I tell her that her and her big brothers were all that mattered to him and he didn’t want to leave them, but he had to, and I know he is watching them and is in their hearts every single minute of every single day.
I tell her that her daddy loves her so much and can hear her when she says good night to him and when she tells him how much she loves him even if she can’t hear him he is always listening to her, I cuddle her tightly and give her soft kisses on her forehead and tell her they are from her daddy because I know he wants her to have them.
I tell that one day she will grow up and she will finally understand but, in my heart, I know that’s a lie, she will never truly understand it.
I don’t understand yet.”
[If you’re thinking about hurting yourself, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help is out there. You are not alone.]
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Christie Plumridge of Mum. That’s a bad word, where it originally appeared. Submit your story here, and subscribe to our best love stories here.
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