“Things no one told me about breastfeeding: (in no particular order)
1. Okay if I don’t acknowledge that it hurts… who even am I? (But not forever. It becomes so good and it’s an amazing bonding experience that’s so beautiful and bla bla bla…) next .
2. Your areolas, those brown things on your boobs (not a type of pasta as I initially thought) grow to the size of a frisbee… and become very dark. Some people told me it’s so your baby can find your nipples, well let me tell you, with mine, every baby on the planet could find them. They were a satellite dish on their own.
3. Milk doesn’t just squirt from one hole. There’s like multiple holes and you really become the Trevi Fountain. My frisbee areolas also had their own holes… yep milk holes around the nipple. It was very weird and even weirder when the midwife told the other midwives to come and look at my lactating frisbees.
4. Letdowns feel weird… I remember when it happened, I was screaming, why do I have pins and needles?? And bang… Trevi Fountain.
5. Babies don’t like letdowns all that much and seem to pull off in that exact moment, and you end up spraying their face like a hose. ‘Ohhh sorry baby!’ And then I’d rub it in their face, because it’s got all that good in it.
6. Them titties leak… they leak at the best time… don’t look at any babies unless you have some good breast pads on.
7. You can get thrush in your nipples… try and explain that to a pharmacist who has no idea about breastfeeding and asks you if you’re lost… ‘Here, let me take you home, honey’ (there’s some weird blue stuff you use to put in your child’s mouth for thrush that makes it look like you negligently let them suck on a Crayola Marker).
8. Your wardrobe comes based on how easily you can whip it out and feed…. (I may have cut some holes in tops… no biggy).
9. You will practice telling strangers off in your head if they say anything about your right to breastfeed in public. (Get ready to have it squeezed in your face MATE).
10. Ummmm mastitis… what. The. Hell. Felt like I had mad cow disease. Bleh *shiver*.
11. You don’t always lose weight… I was promised this. Like really promised this, but then I was so hungry I ate the equivalent of what a full-grown elephant eats every day, and nothing could satisfy me… my ass also grew, like an elephant.
12. It’s hard. Not everyone can do it, okay? And I can see why. It’s a real hard job… so back off and refer to number 9.
13. Niplash…. niplash is when the baby thinks it’s cool to look around while still attached to you and you never knew those nipples could stretch and become a bungee jumping cord. *shiver*
14. People will ask you, ‘Are you STILLLLL breastfeeding?’ Yes, I’m ‘STILL breastfeeding Cheryl, my baby is 2 hours old… shut up.’
15. Breastfeeding bras CAN BE BEAUTIFUL!! AND be comfortable and make you feel amazing…
16. Hell, hath no fury like a woman whose partner has accidentally brushed against her nipples. I will taser you, okay husband? Don’t even breathe in their direction.
17. One breast will forever be engorged and the other will be the sad boob as I like to call it, because your baby only likes that side no matter how much you start him on the other side and pump and pump and pump and only get a lousy 5mls from (which is not an indicator of supply, by the way) and even though you sing to it, it just doesn’t want to grow. Phew… yeah.
Have I left out anything?”