‘I loved him when he had words, and when he lost them. Through the sleepless nights, endless screaming, and walking in circles. I loved him even when he couldn’t say, ‘I love you.’: Mom to son with autism urges ‘all you need is love’

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“People ask me all the time how I deal with my son’s Autism. 

Honestly, the effects Autism has on me have nothing to do with him. 

They are about Autism itself. 

The way it changes your world. 

The isolation and how it makes everything for us and him harder. Simple things like going out as a family or celebrating holidays are challenging. 

Even through the moments of aggression towards me when he is tearing apart my house, making another mess, or clearly on the verge of destroying something…the way I deal with it is still the same. 

Love. 

I loved him despite how scared I was to be pregnant at almost 40…scared I would lose him and scared something would happen to me. 

I would sing Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds daily… 

‘Don’t worry ‘bout a thing, cause’ everything little thing is gonna be alright.’ 

I loved him before he was the size of a pea, growing inside of me. 

I loved him whether I knew if he would be a girl or a boy. 

I loved him before he had a name…when it was going to be Lucky, Serafina, or any other thing that we were throwing into the wind. 

I loved him as I carefully picked out baby blankets and bedding that had foxes…because I somehow knew he would be smart, clever, and sly…and I was right. Our Finnie Fox is all those things. 

I loved him when I pushed him out of me, my tiniest baby of three, with legs so skinny like a bird…which seemed to completely fit our ‘Baby Bird.’ 

I loved him when he smiled his first smile. You know, the closed eye, sleepy ones…the involuntary ones that make you melt. 

I loved him when he skipped crawling by walking on his hands and feet, and eventually steadying them and holding himself up on the ottoman. 

I loved him when he took an entire smash cake, literally picked it up with two hands on his first birthday, and splattered chocolate cake and frosting everywhere. 

I loved him through every sleepless night that began at fourteen months when he climbed out of his crib. 

I loved him as I watched him spin and walk in circles until he fell over. 

I loved him when he threw food at me and refused to try new things. 

I loved him when he screamed for hours. 

I loved him when he slammed his tiny head into our ceramic tile…repeatedly. 

I loved him when he had words. 

I loved him when he lost them. 

I loved him even when he didn’t notice me, didn’t respond to his name, or want to engage in play. 

I loved him when he had no sense of danger. I fell and shattered my arm chasing him because he took off toward the ponds. A fall that led to a year of excruciating physical therapy. 

I loved him when he kept me awake until four a.m. for three years straight. 

I loved him when he couldn’t say Mommy, or I love you. 

I loved him when he didn’t care about birthdays or Christmas. 

I loved him when he dislocated my jaw…twice. 

I have no secret formula for how I got through everything. 

I just…loved him. 

And now my son has words. 

He can speak in sentences. 

He can do math. 

He can sleep…a little better. 

We play. 

We try to go places…it’s hard, but we try. 

He still hits and kicks. 

He still screams. Loud noises from blaring TVs and iPads are still unnerving to him. 

He still smashes his head into things…his favorite being our large flat-screen TV. 

But I lead with love. 

I have never looked at my son differently. 

In fact, sometimes I forget he’s behind or isn’t doing what other kids his age are doing. It’s only when I see kids his age around him that I seem to notice anymore. 

At home, he’s just Finn. 

He’s just my baby boy. 

He’s the only him I’ve ever known. He’s my son with all those labels attached.

Autism, anxiety, ADHD, sensory processing disorder, and a little OCD. 

But he’s not those things. 

He’s not just his acronyms and disorders. 

He’s handsome, born with two dimples and a smile that will make you want to have more babies. 

He’s so silly and playful. He makes you want to chase him or tickle him for hours just to hear him giggle. 

He’s cuddly and warm, and affectionate and kind. He gives the best kisses and wraps his body tight around you like a koala bear. 

He’s empathetic and apologetic…I have the hundreds of empty bandaid wrappers he puts on our boo-boos to prove it. 

He’s mind-blowingly intelligent…he reads and writes. He has a memory like his sister. He logs entire scripts into his brain and holds them there for life. 

And amidst the chaos, honestly, he can be my calm. 

In some ways, we are more alike than any of my other children. 

We share similar emotions that come from anxiety and PTSD…we both struggle at times to regulate. 

Maybe we just understand each other…the only things we need in those really hard moments are: 

Patience. 

Kindness. 

To be held. 

To feel safe. 

To make all the noise in our heads go away. 

So yeah, no there’s no magical potion I can share. 

Of course, therapy has been a lifesaver. 

But it all goes back to how it started. 

And it’s still really simple. 

I fight for my son. 

I learn about him. 

I educate others. 

I advocate. 

Because I love him. 

It’s the most powerful force. It will guide you through the storms and lead you to make the right decisions as you navigate these unchartered waters. 

I promise you, that’s all you need to begin this journey…the rest will fall into place somehow.” 

Courtesy of Sheryl St. Aubin

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Sheryl St. Aubin of Three Little Birds. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

Read more stories from Three Little Birds here:

‘Four a.m. Back again huh? I’m still recovering from last night. This is no longer my safe place.’: Mom of Autistic children pens letter to sleepless nights, ‘I’m not here to welcome you’

‘We see you put self-care on the backburner, skipping workouts and coffee with friends for an IEP meeting. You are miracle workers, moving mountains by sheer will.’: Husband pens sweet letter to special needs moms, ‘You’re the epitome of beauty’

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