‘We see you put self-care on the backburner, skipping workouts and coffee with friends for an IEP meeting.’: Husband pens sweet letter to special needs moms

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“To the wives, the girlfriends, and the mothers…we haven’t said these three simple words often enough…

We see you.

From moment one, we watch as you push grief to the side and take the lead at the moment of diagnosis.

You run like a prized thoroughbred determined to secure therapies, counselors, and doctors.

You search for opportunities to ensure a better life for our babies, despite the chaos.

You are miracle workers, moving mountains by sheer will, even when we, the husbands and boyfriends, feel like giving up, rolling our eyes, and flopping on the couch to play Xbox.

Not you, though. You’ll never give up.

You carried this baby in your belly, so when the only way is through, we’ve already seen how you persevere.

We see you isolated.

When you are feeling alone.

When you are feeling helpless.

When the stress is overwhelming, the challenges are all consuming, and there are no easier answers.

In those awful moments, our hearts ache for you. Your tears are agonizing for us. Your grief stays in our thoughts, even when we leave for the office or the garage.

Remember at the core, we are really just dumb guys. We instinctively want to comfort, soothe, and fix. We want to put a bandaid on it and make it better. Unfortunately, these are days when no medicine can heal the wound other than time.

We see you frustrated.

Having to be both a student and teacher of special needs. Having to take on roles unfamiliar and unexpected. Being the first to sacrifice.

We see you crying, screaming, fighting.

Standing across from us, in the real-life moments no one else can understand.

The meltdowns.

The fights.

The heated disagreements.

The many, many, MANY times we were completely wrong and refused to say so or didn’t adapt to sudden changes with the same grace and dexterity.

We see you, classy lady.

It may not be said as often as it should because some of us were brought up with ultra-traditional role expectations. We were raised to be tough guys. We were the providers, the hunters, the patriarchs. And though the world has changed considerably, old habits can be hard to break. That includes finding the words…remembering to say, ‘Thanks for what you do every day.’ The simple truth is, for some of us, the words just don’t come easy.

We see you ignoring your own needs.

We see you putting self care on the back burner, skipping a workout or coffee with friends because our children require an IEP meeting that day.

Forgoing dates.

Putting yourself last.

Pushing your health to the side.

Waiting and waiting…patiently, over the course of the average day for a moment where you can just take a breath.

We see you, pro-bono lawyer.

Advocating for our child, often having to fight the very people and entities who are tasked with helping us. We see you having to fistfight educational systems like a school-yard bully. Confronting unprecedented cultural ignorance, ambivalent politicians, perfecto parents trying to intervene during a Target meltdown, overworked counselors, callous governments, understaffed principals, and professionals who don’t listen.

We see you overwhelmed. We see you scared. We see you uncertain of the future.

The unknown.

Guardianship. Wills and trusts.


We want to hold you and reassure you.

Reaffirm it will all be okay.

We see you, circus juggler.

Struggling to find the balance. Managing the tasks that must be completed and thoughts that race through your brain daily…

It’s a career, no it’s therapy. No, wait there’s no time for that today because there’s a proposal due at eight. No, there’s a dinner that needs to be cooked. Wait, the minivan needs to go to the shop, but THAT’S THE MONEY FOR THE DENTIST!!

I have to put the kids in bed first, but of course, they won’t sleep again.

Will we be able to go somewhere as a family successfully this weekend? Plan. Plan. Plan.

I have to start a list of all the phone calls and appointments I need to make, and the bills we have to pay. I need a post it for my post it… there are so many things to remember.

I need to call my mom. Check in on my friends. Zoom. I need some me time.

And what time is Grey’s Anatomy on?

Please, can you ALL get out of my house for just ten minutes before I go insane?

We see you, sexy bride, gorgeous girlfriend, sensual partner.

We see you, even when you’re 40, where 20 is a distant memory and routines are feeling stale and positively exhausting.

But, to us, you’ve never been more attractive.

Your smile, your eyes, your intelligence. From the way you walk to the way you captivate a room with stories of tapioca pudding being thrown all over the walls.

How other men and women notice when you discuss trying to balance a career, ABA, and the best recipe for homemade lasagna.

Even though you may not be able to see it or feel it as you once did, to us you’re the epitome of beauty.

We see you, sexy as hell, alluring, ravishing, voluptuous, sultry, and perfect as you’re sprawled across the bed fast asleep. Because at the end of a very long day, sometimes there’s just nothing left except…z z z.

We see you.

The good days and the bad days, the heartaches, and the triumphs.

We see you.

We appreciate you.

And we love you.

Thank you.”

Courtesy of Sheryl & Matt Aubin

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Matt St. Aubin of Three Little Birds. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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‘We may never be ’empty-nesters.’ She may never live independently. But I’d be pretty darn happy taking nightly strolls, arm in arm, forever.’: Special needs mom shares sweet moment

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