“It’s very tough for me to share my ‘darkest side’ with others, because I’m still not completely cured, and people have their own opinions. But I am improving and I am ready.
I had an ‘almost’ happy childhood, until my father left us. My father started a life with his new family, and he changed. He started ignoring me and telling me bad things about myself. My mother was in so much pain, I couldn’t handle it. She loved him like I love my partner.
At the age of 11, I started cutting myself. I was throwing myself against the wall. This was the first time in my life I felt such deep pain.
I started changing and becoming a rebel. I was skipping school almost every day and felt the consequences. I started smoking weed and I was into ‘hippie drugs’ like mushrooms and LSD. It seemed like it was helping me so much. But it was destroying me. Because of my drug use, I isolated myself. People thought I was such a weirdo, and they never saw the real me.
I found my biggest passion: music. I would write simple songs about sadness and justice, but then said passion turned around and bit me. Because I was different from others and so passionate about music, children started bullying me. I was humiliated. They called me bad names, spit on me, and threw stuff on me.
When I was 16, I had a new friend, my first real friend, my dog, Chico. I loved him so much I became addicted to him. I was so kind to him but I wasn’t very responsible and I didn’t raise him well. So my mom decided to find him a new home, a loving family with a big house and a garden. I fell apart. I felt so alone and I cried for months. It’s been several years and I still miss him so much.
At the time, I thought, ‘Things can’t get worse.‘ But then I found ‘love’…
Even when I started dating a guy, I was still starving for love. I don’t know if the reason was not having a father in my life… who knows? I became addicted to people. I was hugging men all the time. I solicited love from anybody and I wanted everybody. I couldn’t handle it. I don’t want to delve into the details, but I acted stupid. I was starving for love so much, I would do anything to be loved and be someone’s whole universe. And because of it, I was sexually abused twice, when I was 15 and 18 years old.
I needed love and attention. I know there are so many people out there screaming, ‘It’s not your fault!’ But in my case, it was my fault. I was missing my father so badly and I was screaming for love, but all my abusers cared about was their ego and their ‘intimate brain’. I wasn’t brave enough to say no, and I wasn’t strong enough to do something. I was pretending I was okay with their behavior because I didn’t want to be alone.
I started thinking about suicide. I was so depressed, and at the time, my boyfriend didn’t care. He just didn’t want to deal with it or be involved; he lived his life with his family, friends, girls, and he chased his dreams.
Later I wrote a song about it, and the chorus goes:
‘He told me I have to be stronger, but my heart is empty inside. My body is completely frozen, and I am pretending I am alright.
Every time I sing that song, I feel I am about to fall apart, but this is my passion and this is beautiful pain after all.’
After some time, both of the guys that abused me started saying awful things about me to others, because people thought I looked like a whore. My relationship with my boyfriend was really weak and I was still hugging lots of other people. I didn’t want to be with someone else, but I wanted to be loved by everybody. I didn’t understand boundaries.
I started crying a lot and cutting myself again. And I began smoking cigarettes and drinking. I was stoned all the time. I still missed my father. Every time I saw him in town, he walked away. He ignored me, pretending I didn’t exist. And he still does, and has for 11 years.
At the age of 17, I started seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist. I was so exhausted by antidepressants. After a while, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and my life changed.
Since I’ve graduated, the bullying has stopped and my relationship with my boyfriend has gotten a lot better and so much stronger. These tough experiences revitalized us. Even though I am not his ‘whole universe’ and we have different wishes, I know he is there for me.
We are responsible adults and we have a great life, but sometimes the past still hurts. We were children and we made mistakes. During those experiences I was alone.
I can finally start working on my mental health, because I finally know what is going on in my brain. There is a huge stigma around it, and I’ve been dealing with people’s different opinions. So many people, even my family, don’t understand me and think I just made up my problems. I am still dealing with it at times, because people don’t believe in mental health and its importance. They just think I am a depressed little girl and I have to learn to let things go. But it’s not easy. I have been working on myself for almost five years now and it’s still tough sometimes. I often have thoughts like, ‘I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t wake up. I don’t want to die…but I just want to touch the sky.’
I have lost many friends because they don’t understand, including my best friend. She has her own life know, she is engaged and I am so happy for her. But I don’t want to disturb her anymore, because she has never understood me. People think I am weird and depressed all the time, especially my family. I am depressed. But I am fighting and working on ME.
There are days when I feel great, relaxed even. I meditate and take care of myself. But I am still empty in my heart. I don’t know what it is like to feel loved and happy. I still have moments when I cry all the time and when I just really want to hurt myself or die. But I know I am stronger than I used to be.
My body has started fighting against me. I try to relax more and more, but my body hurts so bad. It’s been more than a year, and every morning, I wake up with intense physical pain. I just have to relax, pray, and wait. It happens sometimes during the day, and when it hits me at work, it’s so painful. I am trying to be calm and move slowly, but my body hurts. Then it goes away for a while.
This is my story. I want to share it loudly. I want to help others, because when I help others and I’m useful I feel amazing. I want to inspire others, because people with similar issues are like my family. We understand each other.
There are many things I want to accomplish. I want to adopt a child and an animal, I want to publish my own book, write my own songs (my biggest dream), and I want to feel truly loved.
If you’re reading this, and you are also struggling with your mind and body, I just want you to know you are not alone. We are here to support each other and I’ve got you. If you are struggling with deep depression, just remember, there are always people that love you, even if you don’t think so. It will get better, I promise. Try to take care of your body and soul and do what you love, and do lots of it.
It has been years and I’m still learning to love and accept myself, you should try it.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Adel Fox of the Czech Republic. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.
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