A while ago, I wrote an article entitled, “My Kid is a Jerk.” It was meant to be funny, but unfortunately, some people didn’t take it that way. A lot of people did, but it didn’t keep the naysayer comments from flooding in about what a bad mom I was, and how they (the commenter) had never had problems with their own kids. While I don’t necessarily think that’s true, I was kinda surprised at how many moms couldn’t identify with jerky kids. So, in the spirit of that, I had to write a follow up to it. Now, listen, this is supposed to be funny. If you don’t have a sense of humor, don’t read it. Just stop. Right now. If you don’t have a teenager, or you never were a silly one, don’t read it. Just go back to your cocoon of safety and don’t let me ruin your day. For the rest of you who need a good laugh, I give you:
Sorry, Your Kid is a Jerk, too.
I always have to laugh when people don’t think their kids are jerks, too. All kids are jerks. I hate to break it to you, but your kid is a jerk.
How do you know? What kind of jerk is your kid?
Well, let’s break it down.
- The Eddie Haskell:
I know, I’m dating myself here. But, if you’re my age, you know who Eddie Haskell is. If you’re too young to know who he is, then you’re too young to have a teenager. Unless of course, you’re reading this to prepare yourself for one. That’s not a bad idea. Preemptive strikes work. Anyway, who (my age) can forget Eddie Haskell from “Leave it to Beaver”, you know – that all American teenager who was so polite and respectful to parents and then a creep behind their backs? They still exist. It might be your kid. If everybody is always telling you how wonderful your kid is but he’s always in trouble and it’s always because he’s in the “wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong kids,” then it’s probably your kid that’s the problem. Accept it.
- The Brooder:
The kid that never smiles. Everything is always wrong. They don’t always wear black, but they never change the look on their face. They sound like Eeyore when they talk and “I can’t” and “It won’t” is part of their everyday vocabulary. Every day is a pity party, yet if you actually threw one, they wouldn’t show up because you know, it would suck.
- The Drama Queen:
Yes, we all know this one. And it’s not just girls who fit this bill. It’s the kid who finds the drama in EVERYTHING, not just the negative. In fact, it can be kinda funny sometimes. My mom nicknamed me “Sarah Bernhardt,” who I guess was some huge dramatic actress in the late 1800’s, early 1900’s. I don’t know why. Throwing myself on the floor and writhing around complaining about something was not an act. If I were going to flop around the floor like a dead fish, you can bet your ass it was for good reason.
- The Cry Baby:
I just can’t. If your kid is a crier and over the age of 10, just leave them at home. All of us parents understand that sometimes, kids cry. Sometimes, there’s a really good reason too. But if they cry at the drop of the hat because their feelings were hurt, just keep them home. Please. We want to enjoy your kid. We want to take them to the movies and the mall and out to dinner. But we do not want to have to deal with a kid that can’t, at times, either roll with the joke or turn into #2 because something rubbed them the wrong way. Tell them to get over it, help if they need it – or just don’t let them out of the house. For real. On the flip side, we don’t want any Pollyanna crap, either. Life is not rainbows and unicorns. We do not need fairy dust shoved up our butt. Find balance, people! Quick!
- The goodie-two-shoes:
Listen up. None of us like this kind of kid. This kid is also referred to as the “party pooper” and the “buzz kill.” While we like the kid that behaves and listens and follows the rules, we do not like the kid who judges us and our kids as they do it. My friend’s daughter wouldn’t sneak into the end of a movie with her. She just wanted to see the end, but no matter how many times she tried to convince her kid it was ok because the movie was about to be over, they had already dropped a cool $100 in snacks and the movie attendant didn’t give a sh*t if they popped in there, it was a hard NO. She made them walk out of the movie theater, buy a new ticket and go back in. Her grandma said that was ok, so it was off her conscience. Ok. Fine. I’m glad that kid can sleep at night. Trust me, we want them to sleep at night. But, hot damn – live a little.
- The Nellie Oleson:
Okay, another character you might have to look up, so go ahead and grab your Google. But for the love of all that’s Holy, please don’t raise one of these. The tattling. The smirking. The passive aggressive bully. Please. Do us all a favor and do what I do. Tell your kids if they’re not “dead, dying or bleeding” to save it.
- The kid that’s never moving out your house:
Ok, look, I don’t have empty nest syndrome. Maybe you do, I don’t know. But if you are raising a combo of #2, #3 and #4, they’re never leaving, and it will be your fault. They’re going to play video games all night, sleep all day and complain about it. They’re going to live on chips and Mountain Dew and have no human interaction. Then one day, you’re going to die and they’re going to have to be moved to a mental institution because they not only won’t have any of their own kids to torture and move in with, but they’re not going to know how to hold a conversation or hold down a job and it’s going to be your fault. Just sayin’.
- The Over-Achiever:
Not too dissimilar from #5, but the thing that is bad about this one is the stress these kids put on themselves. I mean, we’re all for doing the best you can, but it’s also ok to take a break sometimes. I have one of these and I’m proud as all get out of her, but I also don’t want her to get so lost in over doing it that she forgets to relax.
- The Comedian:
I have one of these, too. And he’s so funny. But he drove me nuts when he was a teenager. I started posting everything he said on social media in an effort to get him to shut up, but it just made it worse. His “Shane-isms” brought roars of laughter. He loved the attention. Now, as a grown up, he doesn’t anymore. He actually makes me ask for permission to post the things he says. Because he’s still hilarious. But, I am so thankful I didn’t believe the things he said, because I might have had to have him evaluated, or my blood pressure checked.
- The All-Around Jerk:
This one takes the cake. Literally. They come into your house, exhibit all the characteristics of 1-9 and they eat all your food. There are some of my kids’ friends who can come live here permanently. There are some who can come in and sit on the couch and put their feet up. But the kid I don’t know who starts rifling through my fridge and my pantry, can get out. Pronto. You have to earn that sh*t. That is a right given only to a few. Go eat at home. This is not McDonalds and I am not a short order cook. And why is all of your stuff in my guest room? Did you move in? You’re evicted. Out.
Does any of that sound remotely familiar? Because if it does, your kid is a jerk, too. It might be one thing or a combination of several, but I know you can identify with some of it. If you can’t, then you’re the parent of the year. Go celebrate. Just not at my house. All my cake is gone. Your kid ate it.
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