A while ago, I wrote an article entitled, โMy Kid Is A Jerk.โ It was meant to be funny, but unfortunately, some people didnโt take it that way. A lot of people did, but it didnโt keep the naysayer comments from flooding in about what a bad mom I was, and how they (the commenter) had never had problems with their own kids.
While I donโt necessarily think thatโs true, I was kinda surprised at how many moms couldnโt identify with jerky kids. So, in the spirit of that, I had to write a follow up to it. Now, listen, this is supposed to be funny. If you donโt have a sense of humor, donโt read it. Just stop. Right now.
If you donโt have a teenager, or you never were a silly one, donโt read it. Just go back to your cocoon of safety and donโt let me ruin your day. For the rest of you who need a good laugh, I give you:
Sorry, Your Kid is a Jerk, too.
I always have to laugh when people donโt think their kids are jerks, too. All kids are jerks. I hate to break it to you, but your kid is a jerk.
How do you know? What kind of jerk is your kid?
Well, letโs break it down.
1. The Eddie Haskell
I know, Iโm dating myself here. But, if youโre my age, you know who Eddie Haskell is. If youโre too young to know who he is, then youโre too young to have a teenager. Unless of course, youโre reading this to prepare yourself for one. Thatโs not a bad idea. Preemptive strikes work. Anyway, who (my age) can forget Eddie Haskell from โLeave it to Beaverโ, you know โ that all American teenager who was so polite and respectful to parents and then a creep behind their backs? They still exist. It might be your kid. If everybody is always telling you how wonderful your kid is but heโs always in trouble and itโs always because heโs in the โwrong place at the wrong time with the wrong kids,โ then itโs probably your kid thatโs the problem. Accept it.
2. The Brooder
The kid that never smiles. Everything is always wrong. They donโt always wear black, but they never change the look on their face. They sound like Eeyore when they talk and โI canโtโ and โIt wonโtโ is part of their everyday vocabulary. Every day is a pity party, yet if you actually threw one, they wouldnโt show up because you know, it would suck.
3. The Drama Queen
Yes, we all know this one. And itโs not just girls who fit this bill. Itโs the kid who finds the drama in EVERYTHING, not just the negative. In fact, it can be kinda funny sometimes. My mom nicknamed me โSarah Bernhardt,โ who I guess was some huge dramatic actress in the late 1800โs, early 1900โs. I donโt know why. Throwing myself on the floor and writhing around complaining about something was not an act. If I were going to flop around the floor like a dead fish, you can bet your ass it was for good reason.
4. The Cry Baby
I just canโt. If your kid is a crier and over the age of 10, just leave them at home. All of us parents understand that sometimes, kids cry. Sometimes, thereโs a really good reason too. But if they cry at the drop of the hat because their feelings were hurt, just keep them home. Please. We want to enjoy your kid. We want to take them to the movies and the mall and out to dinner. But we do not want to have to deal with a kid that canโt, at times, either roll with the joke or turn into #2 because something rubbed them the wrong way. Tell them to get over it, help if they need it โ or just donโt let them out of the house. For real. On the flip side, we donโt want any Pollyanna crap, either. Life is not rainbows and unicorns. We do not need fairy dust shoved up our butt. Find balance, people! Quick!
5. The Goodie-Two-Shoes
Listen up. None of us like this kind of kid. This kid is also referred to as the โparty pooperโ and the โbuzz kill.โ While we like the kid that behaves and listens and follows the rules, we do not like the kid who judges us and our kids as they do it. My friendโs daughter wouldnโt sneak into the end of a movie with her. She just wanted to see the end, but no matter how many times she tried to convince her kid it was ok because the movie was about to be over, they had already dropped a cool $100 in snacks and the movie attendant didnโt give a sh*t if they popped in there, it was a hard NO. She made them walk out of the movie theater, buy a new ticket and go back in. Her grandma said that was ok, so it was off her conscience. Ok. Fine. Iโm glad that kid can sleep at night. Trust me, we want them to sleep at night. But, hot damn โ live a little.
6. The Nellie Oleson
Okay, another character you might have to look up, so go ahead and grab your Google. But for the love of all thatโs Holy, please donโt raise one of these. The tattling. The smirking. The passive aggressive bully. Please. Do us all a favor and do what I do. Tell your kids if theyโre not โdead, dying or bleedingโ to save it.
7. The Kid Thatโs Never Moving Out
Ok, look, I donโt have empty nest syndrome. Maybe you do, I donโt know. But if you are raising a combo of #2, #3 and #4, theyโre never leaving, and it will be your fault. Theyโre going to play video games all night, sleep all day and complain about it. Theyโre going to live on chips and Mountain Dew and have no human interaction. Then one day, youโre going to die and theyโre going to have to be moved to a mental institution because they not only wonโt have any of their own kids to torture and move in with, but theyโre not going to know how to hold a conversation or hold down a job and itโs going to be your fault. Just sayinโ.
8. The Over-Achiever
Not too dissimilar from #5, but the thing that is bad about this one is the stress these kids put on themselves. I mean, weโre all for doing the best you can, but itโs also ok to take a break sometimes. I have one of these and Iโm proud as all get out of her, but I also donโt want her to get so lost in over doing it that she forgets to relax.
9. The Comedian
I have one of these, too. And heโs so funny. But he drove me nuts when he was a teenager. I started posting everything he said on social media in an effort to get him to shut up, but it just made it worse. His โShane-ismsโ brought roars of laughter. He loved the attention. Now, as a grown up, he doesnโt anymore. He actually makes me ask for permission to post the things he says. Because heโs still hilarious. But, I am so thankful I didnโt believe the things he said, because I might have had to have him evaluated, or my blood pressure checked.
10. The All-Around Jerk
This one takes the cake. Literally. They come into your house, exhibit all the characteristics of 1-9 and they eat all your food. There are some of my kidsโ friends who can come live here permanently. There are some who can come in and sit on the couch and put their feet up. But the kid I donโt know who starts rifling through my fridge and my pantry, can get out. Pronto. You have to earn that sh*t. That is a right given only to a few. Go eat at home. This is not McDonalds and I am not a short order cook. And why is all of your stuff in my guest room? Did you move in? Youโre evicted. Out.
Does any of that sound remotely familiar? Because if it does, your kid is a jerk, too. It might be one thing or a combination of several, but I know you can identify with some of it. If you canโt, then youโre the parent of the year. Go celebrate. Just not at my house. All my cake is gone. Your kid ate it.
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Diana Stefano of Idaho. Subscribe to our free email newsletter, Living Betterโyour ultimate guide for actionable insights, evidence backed advice, and captivating personal stories, propelling you forward to living a more fulfilling life.
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