“I remember someone told me I had no right to be depressed because I was a stay at home mom. ‘You’re so lucky to have the opportunity to be at home.’
So, I shut my mouth about how I was feeling… and so began some big problems.
The thing is, I never felt I was unlucky. I never felt ungrateful. I felt hashtagged blessed… but there was so many things that I didn’t expect to feel, things no one spoke about, that they shut their mouth about. No one mentioned isolation. Having no one to talk to, being silent all day. Losing friends. No one talked about losing yourself, loss of autonomy, loss of identity and career because daycare is more than you earn.
No one talks about no sleep, there’s no sleep when the baby sleeps… the baby doesn’t sleep!
Feeling like your privilege of being at home means you should keep a spotless house while juggling a clingy baby and your own emotions. No one talks about how that makes you angry, weak, frustrated and leaves you sobbing into your arms with a cooing baby beside you.
No one mentions that you disappear into your own walls. A part of the furniture. Like an old armchair that’s jumped on all day and the last thing you want to do is talk to someone or be touched.
We have to be grateful, so we shut our mouths. We don’t want to be judged, we don’t want to appear ungrateful, we don’t want to look like we are dropping the ball or incapable or being the parent, we expected to be, so we shut our damn mouths…
But problems appear. Depression and anxiety turn into resentment and rage and frustration and a broken heart… and for what? Silence that should have been noise. Silence while we listen to those say, ‘I never felt like that, I loved it.’ Sinking deeper into our guilt.
Any time any mother talks about her reality, never tell her to be ‘grateful…’ ‘that these days fly,’ or ‘she’s lucky,’ because if she feels forced to shut her mouth it could be the last words, she ever says that reveals her true broken heart.
And for those mothers who feel like the walls are caving in, I want to say, don’t. Don’t be quiet about the things that hurt you or depress you. Don’t give up. We see you. We hear you. You are not alone. Not loving every day doesn’t mean you don’t love your children. You can get through this, you can win against these big problems, just make sure you never shut your mouth.
Your voice deserves to be heard.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Laura Mazza, where it originally appeared. Follow Laura on Instagram here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
Read more from Laura:
‘She’s not broken’: To the man whose wife or partner has anxiety
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