“Battling through infertility is hard. There are days where you feel like it will never change or get easier. There are days where you just want to sit and cry for hours and trust me I did. When you want something so badly and are trying so hard to get it, just to have your heart broken again, month after month.
We had baby names picked out, baby showers and gender reveal parties planned, we were ready for this baby, but it wasn’t happening. I never knew how hard it is to cry over something you’ve never had, until infertility. Days turn into months and months into years and you start to convince yourself that this is it, but it wasn’t. We would cry together after every failed month or every negative pregnancy test. Then finally, one day we were able to cry happy tears because we saw those precious two pink lines and were reminded just how sweet and faithful God really is.
Struggling with infertility is like dealing with the five stages of grief every single month. You deny, bargain, get angry, cry, and accept. Then you pick yourself back up and do it all over again. I think, as women, we have this natural desire to become mothers. To get pregnant, watch your child grow, give birth, and be a mother to that child. However, for a lot of women, it’s not that simple. One in eight women battle with infertility. I was one of those women.
I remember when my husband (Burke) and I got married, we NEVER thought infertility would be our story, ever. But, God had other plans and His plans are never wrong.
May 2017, after my husband and I had been trying to have a child on our own for several months, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I remember I felt defeated, and ashamed, like I was lesser because of my struggles. Then one day I realized I wasn’t. I was stronger than I ever thought.
After she diagnosed me, we talked about treatment. Once I heard the plan for treatment I felt better, then once I started the first round of Clomid, I bargained. I prayed for God to show us his mercy and to help me get through this. When Clomid failed for 4 months I was angry, I cried some more, and I accepted the fact that it was time for something else. Then I picked myself back up and started Femara. It again failed for 3 months, and I went through the same roller coaster of emotions all over again.
After this, Burke and I knew it was time to seek the help of a fertility specialist. At our initial consult, we were ecstatic. We were going to be doing Gonal-F/Ovidrel injections and starting IUI. Naturally, after the first IUI and shots, we had such high hopes. When that round failed, again, I was in denial, I bargained, I was angry, I cried, then I accepted the fact we would have to do it again. But, I picked myself back up and did it all over again for round two, which was another failure, which means the same routine of emotions all over again.
We decided we could try this one more time before moving on to IVF. After I had the last IUI, I thought there was NO way I could get pregnant. But, like I said, God had other plans and His plans are never wrong. I can look back now on my 15 months of infertility and thank God for making it my story. All the tears, procedures, blood work, ultrasounds, medicine, shots, they were all worth it.
I’m so thankful for our miracle. But, I still pray daily for those who are battling infertility. I’m writing this so you have hope. I can remember the feeling I had when I was first diagnosed with PCOS, and feeling like I was lesser. You are not lesser. You are a warrior, stronger than any battle infertility can throw your way. And you are in my prayers.
There are still times we cry together just thinking about this precious miracle growing inside me. WOW! This is our baby, our miracle, that we cannot wait to meet.”
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