‘The word ‘miscarriage’ sounds like the woman miss-carried and she’s to blame for her loss. And you know what, that couldn’t be farther from the truth.’: After miscarriage, woman says ‘there is pain because there is and was love’

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The word, in and of itself, is hard to write. Now think about having one. Now think about talking about it. Talking about yours. The single one. The few. The many.

Talking about ALL OF THE PAIN. The noticeable kind. The internal kind. The kind you hide. The kind you can’t help to hide.

It seems impossible. It seems unimaginable to have and to talk about. But brave and strong as hell women, all over the world, sadly are experiencing them, often.

Courtesy Nicole Merritt

Some are being talked about. Some aren’t. Sometimes it helps to talk. It’s way too hard for others to do so because not all women are the same. Our bodies are not the same. How and why each miscarriage happens isn’t the same. The effect on our physical and mental being isn’t the same. And the loss felt by each and every woman who has experienced one is different.

But all miscarriages do have one thing in common. They are alike in this way:


I repeat, they matter, they count, they hurt, they are hard to live through and with, they change those who have had them. They stick with you, and sometimes, like a thorn in your side, they deliver unrelenting emotional pain beyond the physical pain.

Here’s my truth — I’ve had one.

I was pregnant for a few short days with baby #4 only to have that ‘PREGNANT’ reading turn to a ‘NOT PREGNANT’ in a matter of 72 hours. I had gotten excited. I had told the kids.

And then I had to tell them, ‘Sometimes a baby will fail to develop and be healthy,’ and that’s what happened to Mommy and their maybe baby.

I’ve had one. One.

Courtesy Nicole Merritt

But many, many women have had more than one, and in some cases, way more than one. Some have them early. Some have them late.

I won’t pretend to know everyone’s pain, but I promise to understand it. To be mindful of it. To listen if someone wants to talk. To talk if it helps someone to listen. To respect their grief. To support them in it. To love them harder through and because of it.

I don’t know why we continue to use the term ‘miscarriage,’ because I hate that word.

To me, it sounds like you’re saying the woman miss-carried and she’s to blame for her loss, and you know what, that couldn’t be farther from the truth or more guilt-provoking.

Women don’t miscarry their baby, in that it’s not their fault. Lord knows they sure as hell feel like it is, though the only thing these beautiful and strong women miss carrying is that dear sweet bundle of joy inside of them.

So please recognize, when a woman miscarries, she will never not be carrying the pain of that loss within her, and I beg you don’t dare miss a chance at being there for her.

It was me.

It could be you.

Or it might be her.

But you, her, and me, we’re going to get through it, together, by talking when we feel like talking and listening when others do.


They are painful to have, live with, and talk about, yes.

But there’s pain because there was and is love.

And by discussing the pain, we’re acknowledging and honoring that love, and I think that’s important.”

Courtesy Nicole Merritt

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Nicole Merritt of Jthreenme, where the post originally appeared. You can follow her on Facebook, Instagram, her website or podcast. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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